Drawing Battle Lines, Again
Every day I have the same conversation with Max:
Max: Wanna do something with me mama?
Me: Yeah! What do you want to do?
Max: Let's play Bionicles.
He has an anxious look on his face because this is our daily battle and he knows exactly what I'm going to say.
Me: No honey. I told you that Bionicles is something you do with your friends, not mama.
Max: Why won't you play it with me? You NEVER play Bionicles with me!!
Me: That's because it's a game for kids, not grown ups.
Max: Why not? (he knows why not)
Me: Because it isn't enjoyable to grown ups.
Max: You never want to do ANYTHING with me!
Me: How about we ride our bikes?
Max: BORING.
Me: OK, how about we draw pictures?
Max: I don't feel like it.
Me: What about playing Pokemon?
Max: I don't know where the decks are.
Me: I do, I'll get them.
Max: I don't want to play Pokemon.
Me: You never want to play Pokemon with me! (This ploy is lost on my kid.)
By now he's angry and I'm frustrated.
And so it continues endlessly and forever.
It was so much simpler up until he was five. We rode our bikes everywhere, we visited friends, we hung out in the yard where he played with his trucks and I gardened, I could read to him, we painted, we banged on pots and pans, we did puzzles. What happened? He was never able to self-entertain for long but it used to be there were lots of ways we could spend time together and both enjoy ourselves. Our world has slowly shrunk into this little vacuum where the only two things he wants to do with me are play Legos or play Bionicles.
Even that activity has become more specific in that he doesn't want me to just build things with Legos, he wants me to "play" which involves pretending to be one of the little figures and engaging in battles and destruction. I hate that kind of play. I don't like it and especially because I'm not allowed to have my little alter ego sit around doing his nails and eating lunch. He must be killing someone or plotting to bomb something for Max to be satisfied.
It has made things very tense and unsatisfying as a parent. I want to do lots of things with my kid. I want to paint pictures, put jigsaw puzzles together, I want to draw, bake, go on walks, go to the park, read with him (he only lets his dad do that with him now), do crafts, ride bikes, practice writing secret code, look for bugs. We used to have so much fun.
It's as though the great battle lines of our life has been drawn and we will be at a stalemate until one of us gives in. I'm not sure how to deal with this. It makes me sad and frustrated. Will there be answers to this in therapy? Will medication open his world up again, even a little? Will he ever understand that I didn't have a child so I could pretend to kill enemies for the rest of my adult life?
I think the worst thing is knowing what a great disappointment I am to him every day. I know I'm being a normal parent to want to do other things besides just play Legos and Bionicles with my kid. But he doesn't know it and so in his mind I'm really letting him down. He doesn't understand that most parents don't spend half as much time playing with their kids at this age. At this age he is supposed to be able to entertain himself more and share his make believe games with friends. He is supposed to recognize by now that I am not his built in play-mate for life but his parent.
This conversation is one we have at least every single day, sometimes more than once and every time we have it I see it coming and the panic starts to rise. My dread of it is finely tuned at this point.
Will he ever understand?
Will we be having this same conversation when he's fifteen? Twenty? Does having a special needs kid mean I will always and forever be having this conversation with him?
I better get reading my homework I guess to find the answers.
Max: Wanna do something with me mama?
Me: Yeah! What do you want to do?
Max: Let's play Bionicles.
He has an anxious look on his face because this is our daily battle and he knows exactly what I'm going to say.
Me: No honey. I told you that Bionicles is something you do with your friends, not mama.
Max: Why won't you play it with me? You NEVER play Bionicles with me!!
Me: That's because it's a game for kids, not grown ups.
Max: Why not? (he knows why not)
Me: Because it isn't enjoyable to grown ups.
Max: You never want to do ANYTHING with me!
Me: How about we ride our bikes?
Max: BORING.
Me: OK, how about we draw pictures?
Max: I don't feel like it.
Me: What about playing Pokemon?
Max: I don't know where the decks are.
Me: I do, I'll get them.
Max: I don't want to play Pokemon.
Me: You never want to play Pokemon with me! (This ploy is lost on my kid.)
By now he's angry and I'm frustrated.
And so it continues endlessly and forever.
It was so much simpler up until he was five. We rode our bikes everywhere, we visited friends, we hung out in the yard where he played with his trucks and I gardened, I could read to him, we painted, we banged on pots and pans, we did puzzles. What happened? He was never able to self-entertain for long but it used to be there were lots of ways we could spend time together and both enjoy ourselves. Our world has slowly shrunk into this little vacuum where the only two things he wants to do with me are play Legos or play Bionicles.
Even that activity has become more specific in that he doesn't want me to just build things with Legos, he wants me to "play" which involves pretending to be one of the little figures and engaging in battles and destruction. I hate that kind of play. I don't like it and especially because I'm not allowed to have my little alter ego sit around doing his nails and eating lunch. He must be killing someone or plotting to bomb something for Max to be satisfied.
It has made things very tense and unsatisfying as a parent. I want to do lots of things with my kid. I want to paint pictures, put jigsaw puzzles together, I want to draw, bake, go on walks, go to the park, read with him (he only lets his dad do that with him now), do crafts, ride bikes, practice writing secret code, look for bugs. We used to have so much fun.
It's as though the great battle lines of our life has been drawn and we will be at a stalemate until one of us gives in. I'm not sure how to deal with this. It makes me sad and frustrated. Will there be answers to this in therapy? Will medication open his world up again, even a little? Will he ever understand that I didn't have a child so I could pretend to kill enemies for the rest of my adult life?
I think the worst thing is knowing what a great disappointment I am to him every day. I know I'm being a normal parent to want to do other things besides just play Legos and Bionicles with my kid. But he doesn't know it and so in his mind I'm really letting him down. He doesn't understand that most parents don't spend half as much time playing with their kids at this age. At this age he is supposed to be able to entertain himself more and share his make believe games with friends. He is supposed to recognize by now that I am not his built in play-mate for life but his parent.
This conversation is one we have at least every single day, sometimes more than once and every time we have it I see it coming and the panic starts to rise. My dread of it is finely tuned at this point.
Will he ever understand?
Will we be having this same conversation when he's fifteen? Twenty? Does having a special needs kid mean I will always and forever be having this conversation with him?
I better get reading my homework I guess to find the answers.
Comments (8)
It will not always be this way. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Posted by Mary D in Texas | April 4, 2009 1:28 PM
Posted on April 4, 2009 13:28
When my son was about 8 we got our first computer. He also liked to watch Thundercats and He-man on TV after school. We lived in an apartment and I knew he spent too much time inside. I wanted him to play outside more (like I did when I was a kid). I was willing to take him to the neighborhood park or ride bikes with him but he always preferred to be indoors. (At 30, he still does.)
However, I came up with a compromise system. I made play money which represented units of time. If he played outside for 30 minutes, then he could buy 30 minutes of TV time or computer time with no rolling of eyes or complaint from me.
Perhaps you could come up with a similar system with Max with shorter units of time (say 10 minutes). Then you guys wouldn't spend 10 minutes arguing. You wouldn't feel like it was a tug-of-war between you. The deal is...you do something he wants for X amount of time and he does something you want in exchange. You could flip a coin or do rock-paper-scissors to see who goes first. But, in Max's case (because he might have trouble judging abstracts), I think a concrete object (such paper money, or even a timer) would help him judge the fairness of the exchange. That is, he earns points, markers, or play money and then he spends them.
Just a suggestion...take it with a grain of salt.
Posted by mss @ Words Into Bytes | April 4, 2009 8:26 PM
Posted on April 4, 2009 20:26
When my son was about 8 we got our first computer. He also liked to watch Thundercats and He-man on TV after school. We lived in an apartment and I knew he spent too much time inside. I wanted him to play outside more (like I did when I was a kid). I was willing to take him to the neighborhood park or ride bikes with him but he always preferred to be indoors. (At 30, he still does.)
However, I came up with a compromise system. I made play money which represented units of time. If he played outside for 30 minutes, then he could buy 30 minutes of TV time or computer time with no rolling of eyes or complaint from me.
Perhaps you could come up with a similar system with Max with shorter units of time (say 10 minutes). Then you guys wouldn't spend 10 minutes arguing. You wouldn't feel like it was a tug-of-war between you. The deal is...you do something he wants for X amount of time and he does something you want in exchange. You could flip a coin or do rock-paper-scissors to see who goes first. But, in Max's case (because he might have trouble judging abstracts), I think a concrete object (such paper money, or even a timer) would help him judge the fairness of the exchange. That is, he earns points, markers, or play money and then he spends them.
Just a suggestion...take it with a grain of salt.
Posted by mss @ Words Into Bytes | April 4, 2009 8:28 PM
Posted on April 4, 2009 20:28
Mary- thank you! I really need to hear that most days.
MSS- that is a brilliant idea and I believe I will implement it. I was just thinking of some kind of activity exchange like this, like the idea that he has to earn time with mom doing what he wants by doing things with mom that she wants but I couldn't really think of how to arrange it. I'll have to keep you posted. You were obviously a creative mom!
Posted by Angelina | April 4, 2009 8:40 PM
Posted on April 4, 2009 20:40
I was going to suggest nearly the same thing...trading activities seems the best option to me. Since, in effect, you two are playmates, I would handle the situation as I would with my two sons. The timer can be our best friend. Ten minutes of one person's preferred activity, followed by ten minutes of the other person's. It definitely needs to be short periods of time, so neither of you feels like you're doing something potentially unpleasant for eons.
Good luck!
Posted by Aimee | April 5, 2009 1:30 PM
Posted on April 5, 2009 13:30
Many special needs kids operate from a script. If you open with a different question, the answer may be different. It takes a while. My husband and I talk about "Changing the script one line at a time" with our son, who has Asperger's.
Posted by Daisy | April 7, 2009 5:25 PM
Posted on April 7, 2009 17:25
"He is supposed to recognize by now that I am not his built in play-mate for life but his parent." I hear you, that should explain everything by now, right?
Posted by cazza | April 8, 2009 1:13 AM
Posted on April 8, 2009 01:13
Great post!
Posted by toys | April 28, 2010 3:58 AM
Posted on April 28, 2010 03:58