Ma poor wee bairn

My boy is really sick. We took him to the doctor two days ago to get a strep test. He didn't have strep. But now his throat is almost swollen shut. It's so bad he was drooling in preference to swallowing before he crawled into bed with us an hour ago and fell into a light sleep. His breathing is gravelly and causes him to cough, but it comes out sounding like a barking seal. Which makes me think he must have Croup (because they always say that's what it sounds like). And the coughing makes his throat contract which makes him gag, but the gagging shakes his chest, which makes him cough. Poor wee bairn.

This is the worst part of being a mom. Way worse than all the times he makes me want to strangle him. Way worse than all the times he makes me want to rip out my own eyebrows. That's all a part of helping him become a good person with decent boundaries and respect for other people. That's all a part of the dynamic of rambunctious child versus sloth-mom. But this, this whole business of watching your kid become sicker and sicker is the worst.

The immediate health care center doesn't open for another half an hour. We were contemplating trying to get him in to see his regular doctor, but we're starting to doubt his diagnosing abilities. Every time Max sees him we have to go to urgent care two days later because Max is much worse and we can't get him into the doctor's office.

This is where my madness kind of gets in the way, and I've brought this up before, but it's difficult to tell how much of my fear is irrational, and how much of it is a warning to look deeper. It's hard to trust myself to act in a way that isn't going to be off center. Here's the worry: until this year Max never had a soar throat, he never had anything worse than your general colds and coughs, and about a billion bloody noses. He's only had the flu twice. He had bronchitis once. So why is it that this year he hasn't had a single normal cold? Why is it that every time he has gotten sick this year it has been accompanied by a severe soar throat and massive pain? Is his immune system compromised? Am I watching too many episodes of "House"?

I want it to just be a normal cold and cough. I don't want to dig deeper. I don't trust my luck. I still haven't gotten completely over the year our whole life fell apart with fireworks (last year). I'm worried that if we dig deeper we'll find something huge to deal with. I'm also worried that if we don't ask the ridiculous questions, if we don't press for explanations, that we'll miss something important. In the end, my boy's health is way more important than how hysterical I might sound to the medical profession. The fact remains that children get seriously sick, children do get diseases, and unfortunately, children do die of them. I don't want mine to be one of them.

Probably it will just turn out to be a bad cold with bronchitis and will pass slowly and painfully for Max. Or maybe it will be croup. I don't care though, I'm asking questions.