My Ghetto Door

My Ghetto door keeps out: people soliciting, proselytizers, neighbors, bill collectors, and trick or treaters.

Have I mentioned how stressful I find Halloween? It's been a long slow journey into hell with this one. When I was a kid it was one of my favorite holidays. I loved dressing up and made most of my own costumes. Since I lived in a very whole-grain unprocessed food household I also relished the big bag of candy at the end of the night.

I keep thinking about the time I dressed up as Ruth from the bible which reminds me uncomfortably of the year I tried Jesus on for size. I was reading the bible back then and I got all the way through genesis before I just couldn't read any more of it because it's not actually a very good read (too many begats) and since there was no mention of the dinosaurs (whose bones I'd seen in the science museum) I decided I would have to reconcile the bones with the book before I went any further. They have yet to be reconciled.

Anyway, I loved Halloween and I remember loving my Ruth costume which I made myself and of course no one knew who I was.

Then before I had a kid, when we got our first house I got excited about handing out candy to kids but no kids came because we lived at the very dark last block of our entire neighborhood where only very brave souls venture at night, and bums.

As a parent I'm supposed to be very excited about Halloween. I get to make creative costumes for my kid, watch him have a blast, and basically do the gushing mom thing. How adorable to see millions of little kids come begging for candy at my door for two hours, then teenagers packing real knives, and then hookers... no, not really.

Unfortunately, having a kid messed me up bad (physiologically speaking). It made my already serious anxieties reach a fever pitch and they haven't backed down or eased up since*. Halloween offers me a multitude of platforms on which to sit my awful anxiety.

• First of all, I don't have your average kid who wants to be Spiderman. Up until he was four he refused to dress up. Which was fine with me. Then he wanted to be some esoteric thing I couldn't buy or make and it provided an opportunity for much disappointment and chagrin. The next year and every year since has been the same.

• Second of all, Halloween night is noisy, crowded, and people are roaming the streets in groups like little scary gangs all expecting candy. My doorbell rings, and rings, and rings. It turns out that I don't like opening my door to people I don't know. Especially people in masks and stupid costumes expecting me to give them candy.

• The adults dressed up almost freak me out more than the kids. Especially full grown women in outfits they think are really "cute". The mimes and clowns are the worst though. I know it's supposed to be "fun" for everyone and I shouldn't mind so many people having a good time, but I'm not a fun person. I am the antithesis of fun. I'm an incredibly un-fun person and I don't mind if others want to have fun as long as they don't drag me into it.

• Then there's the candy. You think I mean "Damn the candy everywhere that I must eat!" but I don't. The cheese and beer is why I'm fat, not the Halloween candy. I discovered that trying to estimate how much candy to buy fills me with new fodder for obsessive worry. Since I won't go out trick or treating with my kid (too much negative stimulation like that makes me want to chew on my own foot) I have been the candy dish for the last several years. I spend two hours not sure if I'm giving too much to each kid/teen/adult and will run out, or if I'm being too stingy and will wake up to an egged house because I was the mean lady who gave only one piece to each person.

One year I couldn't handle more than an hour of such suspense and put out an "out of candy" sign, turned off all the lights in my house and hid in my bedroom. It's amazing how many people can't read because the doorbell kept ringing in spite of the sign.

This year I made Max a Gengar costume which turned out surprisingly well. He loved it. Until he had to spend time in it downtown. He hates having face paint on, wearing masks, having things on his head (like hats) or having anything stiff touching his body. Apparently the seam in the top of the costume hurt his head and the whole thing wouldn't stay in place so after they came back from joining the madness downtown they planned to do a little trick or treating in the neighborhood. Max wanted to ditch the costume I spent hours making and just wear last year's costume without all the stuff that made it a costume. Basically without the weapons or sunglasses it was just a black outfit.

I told him he had to wear a costume. A huge family fight ensued.

We were all miserable until I sent Max and Philip to the store to just buy some fucking candy and be done with it. That's all Max cares about anyway. (Not actually true, he really liked his costume provided he didn't have to wear it. I think he loves the IDEA of costumes but just doesn't enjoy the reality of wearing them.)

Peace was restored.

But back to my ghetto door... I have decided that my ghetto door is brilliant. No one ever knocks (because they can't) so I NEVER get bothered by strangers at my door. If my ghetto door itself doesn't worry them, the black barking dog jumping at them from behind the metal definitely does the trick. She is a marvellous deterrent.

I was thinking that I should eventually put something really pretty in but I'm realizing now that only very good friends and the most determined trick or treaters** or evangelists will dare to attempt to enter. If my dog knows you well I know for a fact that she won't hurt you if you open the gate but if she doesn't? I honestly can't say what she'd do.

So it is with great pleasure that I wake up today with that whole bit of crazy behind me. The kid had a miserable day yesterday but is full of good spirits today and is busy drawing medieval characters while waiting for me to get off this computer to go to work so he can play video games. The husband is sleeping still.

I work all day at the toy store. It will probably be busy and speed by fast. I hope you all have a great Saturday!