The Kid's Got Wacky Wiring

I am a mix of both excitement and stress right now over the state of my family's heads.  I have begun my parenting homework in earnest and opened the main book recommended by Max's psychologist.  I forced myself to do it because I'm not really in a reading mood right now.  (My non reading mood has endured for a solid, bleak, tabaccoless five years now.)  Since I may never be in the mood again I had to sit down purposely, and open the cover.

I didn't expect it to be a good read.

I didn't expect it to make me laugh out loud.

I didn't expect it to suggest that my son's memory might be "porous" in quality.  Which made me laugh out loud and run to the phone because we're operating with the working hypothesis that Philip also has ADD.  After reading just the first chapter I began to feel slightly paranoid that the authors* had written the book based on a covert long-term observation of me and my guys.

It was slightly creepy to be reading such astute descriptions of the man I've been married to for sixteen years now and all the "foibles" that have driven me witless and of the sweet but exasperating boy I gave birth to eight years ago who has effortlessly turned me into a screamer.  How could they know so much personal stuff about them?  It feels a little like I got locked in a conjurer's closet fully skeptical which then filled with water choking the life out-

What I mean to say is that psychology is a lot like magic and psychologists, with their art, are able to see into the brains of us all and claim all of our most private fears as well as reveal our most intimate hearts. 

If a person doesn't believe in science and anatomy,  psychology must be very hard to swallow.  I understand.  (Stop being ignorant and obtuse! - but I get it.)  How can anyone separate a person's neurological syndrome from a person's innate personality?  How can you ever draw a line between brain chemistry and a person's spirit?  Where does one stop and the other begin?  How can one reconcile the body mind and spirit and pick out the offending unfinished rough threads while leaving a person whole?

My reading is already revealing so much to me and offering such branches of peace I want to cry with relief.  The main messages in the book are:

• Neurological issues are no more anyone's fault than is the strange genetic brew that made me the hairiest woman I know.*  All baby making is a form of genetic Russian Roulette.  Although originally it was thought that ADD was the result of brain damage caused by difficult births, a ton of research in recent years has brought us closer to the answer which points mostly at genetics.  This is not surprising if you have a chance to observe that there are rarely cases of ADD where only one family member has it.

• The general public still doesn't have a very good understanding of the disorder and tends to treat people with ADD in ways that nearly always compound the problems already experienced by the people suffering from it.  I've noticed this with Max.  He is often genuinely liked but is so intense and his impulsivity creates social challenges that it is hard for him to recover from.  He has been called cruel because he cannot filter his thoughts and has so little idea of the real damage he might do to the feelings of others yet he is more fragile than most people himself and being shunned or publicly humiliated has a lasting and heart breaking effect on him.

• Self Esteem is the number one pitfall that affects nearly all people with ADD.  The problem stems from everyone in their lives working with the (wrong) assumption that they are willfully being difficult, that they could be a "better person" if only they tried harder, that they get into trouble from having a faulty moral center.  None of these things are true.  People with ADD have very little impulse control and it isn't because they refuse to "grow up" but because the chemical exchanges between their nervous system and their brain are basically inefficient.

• That the majority of people with ADD are unusually creative and smart people.  The greatest challenge they face is channeling their energy and their brain in such a way that their gifts can be accessed.  This takes a lot of work, generally medication, and lots of therapy and structure in order to over-ride a brain that can't (on its own) stay focussed long enough to see its own brilliance through.

I found myself reading my homework with a delicious hunger for more.  MORE.  I want more answers and more affirmation and more confidence that we'll find our way to an easier life together.

Here's a brief recap:

• It's not your fault. It's not your fault.  It's not your fault.

• It's a neurological syndrome/disorder.

• Self Esteem is a huge problem.

• Being misunderstood by most people compounds and cements self esteem issues.

• People with ADD often have extraordinary creativity and intelligence.

What this all means is that I have an amazing kid** who I have been parenting in exactly the way I would have parented had I known for sure he had ADD since he was born.  I have always instinctively felt that his rough social manners, his extreme energy, his OCD tendencies, his tenacity, his athletic ability, his intelligence, his passion, his rage, and his frustration were not about him being a willful child trying to make me feel eighty at thirty five but that it was rooted in something very much out of his control. 

I have worked very hard (early on) not to blame him personally for my frustration with his actions.  I have tried so hard not to badger him into being like everyone else because I felt from the beginning that it would damage him beyond measure.  It's been so hard that I've wanted to pull my own hair out more often than I'm actually willing to admit to anyone except in the vaguest of terms.  I have been drinking like a lush because it soothes- oh it really soothes.*** 

I have struggled to help others understand who I thought he was but without being able to name this thing that was always getting in the way it was hard to make anyone understand.  Reading about ADD is making me feel like it's possible.  That maybe at least I can foster some understanding in our closer circles so that Max will find himself in a supportive community of family and friends. 

Reading about Max's disability is like learning all over again how much I treasure him and it digs miles into my instinctual mother-love, planting new words there for understanding.  I am feeling more fierce than ever about wanting to protect him from ignorance and the kind of shame others have inadvertantly cast on his complection.  I'm so scared all the time.  My parenting self esteem has taken some intense blows. 

But I see light ahead.  Always go towards the light.









*Although I can make an argument that where genetics are concerned we have a little bit of choice.  I might have looked at my family, and Philip's family and seen the blaring truth that we both come from a long line of neurologically stiffed people.  I might have then chosen not to have my own child.  While some might think this kind of evaluation is harsh, I think it's only right to point out that in a way I am completely at fault because it was not hard to see what the chances might be that we would bring a neurologically challenged child into the world causing ourselves a very rough road as well as offering this being of ours a tough life too.  We all of us can look at our family history and draw a few meaningful conclusions.  If you ignore it, as I did, you then bear at least some responsibility for the outcome.

**And husband too!  I am learning so much more about my partner and it opens up room for more supportiveness.  But if he doesn't make effort to help himself I will kick his ass, obviously.

***I am beginning to really understand that my medication is not working optimally for me.  We have so much detritus to clean up in our life before I can address that.  It costs a lot of money to see a new Psychiatrist when you have no medical insurance.  I can only promise that I'm working on everything I can and I will get to this very important issue as soon as I can.