The Parent Trap
(or: how to ruin perfectly good humans)
I remember my childhood summers as a time that I ran wild with friends in Lithia Park, getting dizzy on the merry go round, eating soft serve ice cream with my allowance money, and riding my bike at a ripping speed (without a helmet) through the neighborhood streets. I woke up, I got dressed, my mom made sure I had a good breakfast, and then I would ride my bike to a friend's house and we would play all day. Generally we didn't see our parents much until dinnertime. We were out in the world by ourselves at the ripe age of nine years old.I don't know a single parent who would let their nine year old out of their sight for a whole day. What's happened to childhood? Most parents I know are trying so hard to preserve the magic of childhood for their kids, to prolong the age of wonder and innocence, generally in direct reaction to their own experiences of growing up "too fast" themselves. It makes me acutely uncomfortable to see the amount of sheltering most kids I know are getting these days.
I should point out that, like our society, there is a widening divide between those kids getting the degree of sheltering I just spoke of and the kids who are experiencing criminal neglect, or worse. The division between the "haves" and the "have nots" is, on every level of life in this country, growing starker.
What I want to know is: what happened to the middle ground? What happened to loving and caring for your child without trying to make their childhood an unrealistic world where only lovely gentle things happen? What happened to letting kids get burned sometimes so that they don't reach for fire? What happened to letting your kid know that the world does not, and will not, revolve around them? Because it doesn't. And it won't.
Childhood isn't supposed to be magical and innocent. Childhood is the period of time children have to mature under the supervision and guidance of their parents. It's the same in the rest of the animal kingdom where the young are not born fully equipped to take care of themselves. Human babies are born vulnerable and unable to care for themselves. They require the protection and help of mature humans to get them through to adulthood.
Kittens are born blind and deaf and without their mothers (or some other mammal's care) they will die. A mama cat engages her cubs in play with the distinct purpose of preparing them to be on their own. They play with string or anything they can find to learn to kill smaller animals to eat. They learn to fight with each other so that they can defend themselves when challenged by other animals. We see them playing and coo and laugh because their play is so cute and they haven't a care in the world, because that's how we see them: innocent sweet little kittens playing. The reality is that if they don't play and fight with each other they will be ill equipped to survive when their mother sets them loose. Part of her parenting process is that the more physically capable they become the less she interferes with her cubs. She sits at a distance and lets them rumble and get into binds and waits to see if they will get out of them.
We had lots of cats when I was growing up. I saw lots of kittens come into the world and I saw some go out of this world as well. It was a valuable lesson in real life.
When I was a kid no parents I knew spent all their time playing games with their kids. Any parents who were staying home weren't staying home just to parent. They were staying home to manage their whole home, to make sure their family had a clean-ish house, good food, a decent place to play in the yard. It was about the whole family life package, not just the needs of the children. During the summer it wasn't just me and my siblings who were let loose on the town, all the kids our age were running around without their parents all day long with the same morning time words said by all the moms "Be home by dinner time."
They didn't know where we were all day long. That world is gone.
Now parenting is a claustrophobic place in which you are expected to want to play children's games all day long and you are expected to orchestrate your child's life from the moment they're born until they leave your home at the ripe old age of twenty three to go out in the world and have a rude awakening. Parents have somehow come up with the idea that they're supposed to be their children's best friend. In my opinion this is wholly unnatural and unhealthy. Children are neither our friends nor are they our chance to live the life we never had. What a great weight to place on the shoulders of young people. To live out our expectations of life and dreams for us.
It's certainly more challenging for parents of only children. They don't have siblings to turn to, to fight with, to hate, to love, to play with, to bicker with, and to spend hours outside with. So they turn all that attention to you- the parent. I clocked in at least 8,432* hours of quality time with my kid in the first five years of his life. I'm pretty sure that at least a thousand of those hours was dedicated to Lego's alone. That was just for the first five years of my kid's life. He had my constant emotional and physical attention. I don't think that's necessarily the best thing in the world for a kid. If he'd had siblings he would not have come to expect my constant undivided attention.
Now that he's older I feel like it's much healthier that he do a lot of his playing with kids his own age. I didn't have a child so I could play kid games for twenty years. Or even ten. He's happier and more positive when he's had a day of playing with peers. I am a mama cat pushing my kid into the ring with other cubs. It's time he stop expecting so much of me. He's seven years old, he's not a baby anymore. He needs to play with other rugged boys. He and I don't even have the same interests. He needs to be with kids who want to do the same things he does.
Next week he starts an all summer long day camp. He'll be playing with other kids all day. He'll get to play outside games and indoor games. He'll go swimming, go to the library, and to the zoo. Do I feel guilty about sending him? No. I would have felt guilty when he was younger because I think younger kids need a much greater degree of parental presence. I have never wanted him to be in day care. This isn't a day care. It's a summer long activity filled camp. I couldn't give him that level of stimulation even if I was a super-mom. Two years ago this would have been too hard for him.
I'm relieved. Relieved that he's going to be busy doing kid stuff all summer long with other kids. I'm not relieved for my own sake. Unfortunately I'm going to be working all summer so it's not like I'll get to laze around doing whatever the hell I want while he's at camp. (Oh boy, wouldn't that be awesome!!!!). I'm relieved for his sake that he'll be getting the activity he needs at this point in his life. Away from mama cat.
There's room for us all to be the kind of parents we each need to be. None of us are going to find the same answers to everything.
I should point out that, like our society, there is a widening divide between those kids getting the degree of sheltering I just spoke of and the kids who are experiencing criminal neglect, or worse. The division between the "haves" and the "have nots" is, on every level of life in this country, growing starker.
What I want to know is: what happened to the middle ground? What happened to loving and caring for your child without trying to make their childhood an unrealistic world where only lovely gentle things happen? What happened to letting kids get burned sometimes so that they don't reach for fire? What happened to letting your kid know that the world does not, and will not, revolve around them? Because it doesn't. And it won't.
Childhood isn't supposed to be magical and innocent. Childhood is the period of time children have to mature under the supervision and guidance of their parents. It's the same in the rest of the animal kingdom where the young are not born fully equipped to take care of themselves. Human babies are born vulnerable and unable to care for themselves. They require the protection and help of mature humans to get them through to adulthood.
Kittens are born blind and deaf and without their mothers (or some other mammal's care) they will die. A mama cat engages her cubs in play with the distinct purpose of preparing them to be on their own. They play with string or anything they can find to learn to kill smaller animals to eat. They learn to fight with each other so that they can defend themselves when challenged by other animals. We see them playing and coo and laugh because their play is so cute and they haven't a care in the world, because that's how we see them: innocent sweet little kittens playing. The reality is that if they don't play and fight with each other they will be ill equipped to survive when their mother sets them loose. Part of her parenting process is that the more physically capable they become the less she interferes with her cubs. She sits at a distance and lets them rumble and get into binds and waits to see if they will get out of them.
We had lots of cats when I was growing up. I saw lots of kittens come into the world and I saw some go out of this world as well. It was a valuable lesson in real life.
When I was a kid no parents I knew spent all their time playing games with their kids. Any parents who were staying home weren't staying home just to parent. They were staying home to manage their whole home, to make sure their family had a clean-ish house, good food, a decent place to play in the yard. It was about the whole family life package, not just the needs of the children. During the summer it wasn't just me and my siblings who were let loose on the town, all the kids our age were running around without their parents all day long with the same morning time words said by all the moms "Be home by dinner time."
They didn't know where we were all day long. That world is gone.
Now parenting is a claustrophobic place in which you are expected to want to play children's games all day long and you are expected to orchestrate your child's life from the moment they're born until they leave your home at the ripe old age of twenty three to go out in the world and have a rude awakening. Parents have somehow come up with the idea that they're supposed to be their children's best friend. In my opinion this is wholly unnatural and unhealthy. Children are neither our friends nor are they our chance to live the life we never had. What a great weight to place on the shoulders of young people. To live out our expectations of life and dreams for us.
It's certainly more challenging for parents of only children. They don't have siblings to turn to, to fight with, to hate, to love, to play with, to bicker with, and to spend hours outside with. So they turn all that attention to you- the parent. I clocked in at least 8,432* hours of quality time with my kid in the first five years of his life. I'm pretty sure that at least a thousand of those hours was dedicated to Lego's alone. That was just for the first five years of my kid's life. He had my constant emotional and physical attention. I don't think that's necessarily the best thing in the world for a kid. If he'd had siblings he would not have come to expect my constant undivided attention.
Now that he's older I feel like it's much healthier that he do a lot of his playing with kids his own age. I didn't have a child so I could play kid games for twenty years. Or even ten. He's happier and more positive when he's had a day of playing with peers. I am a mama cat pushing my kid into the ring with other cubs. It's time he stop expecting so much of me. He's seven years old, he's not a baby anymore. He needs to play with other rugged boys. He and I don't even have the same interests. He needs to be with kids who want to do the same things he does.
Next week he starts an all summer long day camp. He'll be playing with other kids all day. He'll get to play outside games and indoor games. He'll go swimming, go to the library, and to the zoo. Do I feel guilty about sending him? No. I would have felt guilty when he was younger because I think younger kids need a much greater degree of parental presence. I have never wanted him to be in day care. This isn't a day care. It's a summer long activity filled camp. I couldn't give him that level of stimulation even if I was a super-mom. Two years ago this would have been too hard for him.
I'm relieved. Relieved that he's going to be busy doing kid stuff all summer long with other kids. I'm not relieved for my own sake. Unfortunately I'm going to be working all summer so it's not like I'll get to laze around doing whatever the hell I want while he's at camp. (Oh boy, wouldn't that be awesome!!!!). I'm relieved for his sake that he'll be getting the activity he needs at this point in his life. Away from mama cat.
There's room for us all to be the kind of parents we each need to be. None of us are going to find the same answers to everything.
*Conservative estimate based on a 14 hour a day job caring for my kid, with a maximum of 2 hours of a break, often less, and generally a seven day a week job, though I calculated only six because Philip took Max on a lot of outings just the two of them to give me a break...and this is not including all the hours spent comforting him at night as well.
Labels: family life, parenting