Zen Parenting With Vodka
If becoming a zen parent is your goal (and I think it should be, if you're a parent) the first thing you need to do is build yourself an elaborate zen garden in which to meditate when the going gets rough, which it will do if you don't have a zen child (which you probably don't). You should then spend 10 hours every day in deep meditation.
Sample meditation: First clear your head of all extraneous thought. Empty it out like you're squeezing a lemon of all its juice and what's left is the bitter pith-
Wait- sorry- that was an infelicitous simile.
Sample Meditation: First clear your head of all extraneous thought. Let all the thoughts drift out of your head in a gentle cloud leaving only the sound of a babbling brook in your consciousness. After sitting in this passive posture, not once asking yourself how long you can sit without a thought in your head (because that would be a thought, you know.), take a really deep breath-
No, I mean- REALLY deep...
And then scream as loud as you can: VODKA IS LAW!
Then go make yourself a radish martini like my friend Kelly does and everything will feel better. I promise.
Not much zen going on in my life right now. The kid is going through a bit of an acclimation period, I think, and is being a complete asshole this week. I missed his psyche appointment and just as I was writing this, just now, this second, I realize that I missed the second 504 meeting I had scheduled for 7:30 am this morning. What is up with me this week?
It might be that writing until 2:30 am after I finish my paid work might not be working out for me.
I think you can tell a lot about our family life by this little snippet I want to share:
The other morning I dragged my sorry ass down the stairs to feed the dog and get the coffee going, leaving Philip to go wake the kid and start reading to him. As I am about to climb back upstairs I find my kid sitting at the landing with his chin in his hands wearing his "this is going to be a difficult morning for you" face, and I asked him what was wrong.
"Dad isn't in my room."
"Well, where is he?"
"I don't know." He adjusts his pout to be a little more impressive.
"OK. I don't understand why this has made you so upset."
"He broke routine!"
Yeah, that's something we don't do around here. It's on par with committing a federal crime. "Routine" is that Philip is to go to Max's room to read to him immediately upon waking. This is, in fact, how we wake Max up. One false move and the whole morning falls apart.
It's good to be us.
I think I'll switch from beer to Vodka today. Wanna join me?
Sample meditation: First clear your head of all extraneous thought. Empty it out like you're squeezing a lemon of all its juice and what's left is the bitter pith-
Wait- sorry- that was an infelicitous simile.
Sample Meditation: First clear your head of all extraneous thought. Let all the thoughts drift out of your head in a gentle cloud leaving only the sound of a babbling brook in your consciousness. After sitting in this passive posture, not once asking yourself how long you can sit without a thought in your head (because that would be a thought, you know.), take a really deep breath-
No, I mean- REALLY deep...
And then scream as loud as you can: VODKA IS LAW!
Then go make yourself a radish martini like my friend Kelly does and everything will feel better. I promise.
Not much zen going on in my life right now. The kid is going through a bit of an acclimation period, I think, and is being a complete asshole this week. I missed his psyche appointment and just as I was writing this, just now, this second, I realize that I missed the second 504 meeting I had scheduled for 7:30 am this morning. What is up with me this week?
It might be that writing until 2:30 am after I finish my paid work might not be working out for me.
I think you can tell a lot about our family life by this little snippet I want to share:
The other morning I dragged my sorry ass down the stairs to feed the dog and get the coffee going, leaving Philip to go wake the kid and start reading to him. As I am about to climb back upstairs I find my kid sitting at the landing with his chin in his hands wearing his "this is going to be a difficult morning for you" face, and I asked him what was wrong.
"Dad isn't in my room."
"Well, where is he?"
"I don't know." He adjusts his pout to be a little more impressive.
"OK. I don't understand why this has made you so upset."
"He broke routine!"
Yeah, that's something we don't do around here. It's on par with committing a federal crime. "Routine" is that Philip is to go to Max's room to read to him immediately upon waking. This is, in fact, how we wake Max up. One false move and the whole morning falls apart.
It's good to be us.
I think I'll switch from beer to Vodka today. Wanna join me?
Comments (10)
Funny stuff----funny in that 'been there, done that' kind of way... My daughter has that look, too---or more accurately, it's the tone of her voice; a tone that clears the kitchen as we hear her decending the stairs: "Who woke me up two minutes early??! I had two more minutes!!"
Make mine a lemon drop, please... ;-)
Posted by Amber of Berlin's Whimsy | May 14, 2009 2:28 PM
Posted on May 14, 2009 14:28
I'm making you one right now!!
Posted by angelina | May 14, 2009 7:17 PM
Posted on May 14, 2009 19:17
Hmm, radish martini? I might need a recipe. Even though I prefer gin.
Posted by magpie | May 14, 2009 7:21 PM
Posted on May 14, 2009 19:21
Funny you should say that Magpie, because I was thinking about that after writing this post and realized that I prefer gin too but radishes and gin don't sound very good...plus I don't drink martinis exactly because they are too strong. I mean, I can drink most people under the table (that's fact, talking, not pride) but I can't just drink hard alcohol practically straight. What I love? A really fizzy, really limey gin and tonic.
Never the less, I do love the IDEA of a radish vodka martini. It sounds so chic to me. Plus: vegetables are beautiful.
Posted by angelina | May 14, 2009 11:09 PM
Posted on May 14, 2009 23:09
I am a gin swilling gal too! My favorite is Pimm's in the summer.
Posted by Tonia | May 15, 2009 9:38 AM
Posted on May 15, 2009 09:38
Your husband can actually follow a routine!! Consider yourself lucky. The only thing routine about our lives is the time I go to work and come home. That fact is enough to drive me crazy at times.
Posted by Jade | May 15, 2009 10:52 AM
Posted on May 15, 2009 10:52
Jade- I have to admit to you that he doesn't follow them well without constant supervision from me. I also wrote the routine down in our family manual so that he can remind himself (which really means me reminding him to remind himself).
I think you've got a partner who is more extreme than mine, which makes everything much more challenging for you. But I don't want you to be thinking either of my guys follows routine well on their own- they both function infinitely better when they follow a routine but it is always ME who keeps everyone on track every day all day long, every single minute.
Which is what makes me so god damned tired all the time.
Left to their own devices my guys would be walking in circles all day looking for stuff that's right under their noses, they'd never leave the house, nor would they ever go to sleep, nor would they ever eat anything but what the could grab. I'm not kidding.
Posted by angelina | May 15, 2009 11:54 AM
Posted on May 15, 2009 11:54
Wow, just writing that down exhausted me. Someone make me a gin and tonic please!!
Posted by angelina | May 15, 2009 11:55 AM
Posted on May 15, 2009 11:55
"Which is what makes me so god damned tired all the time."
I hear you. You have it tough. I mean, one with ADHD is ... but two? I don't know how you do it. Honestly, I don't have the time or energy to keep the man on track all day every day. I can barely keep him on track when we have a shared social event to go to (that's really the only time I try). Give yourself a pat on the back and a martini or three. :)
Posted by Jade | May 18, 2009 11:39 AM
Posted on May 18, 2009 11:39
Thanks for your post. It's good to read something related to ADHD that makes sense. I've got a similar website myself, so will keep popping back to see what else you've posted.
Posted by Gavin Downing | May 7, 2010 2:00 PM
Posted on May 7, 2010 14:00