100 things you might not know about me and probably won't be improved for knowing.

One Hundred Things:

1. I love the winter best of all the seasons. Especially with a little snow fall. I almost always plan my travel for the winter, not the summer.

2. I can't eat goat cheese because I hate it.





7. The squeak of cotton balls makes my stomach turn.

8. Because I like to ask questions about everything, and examine the minute details of life, I sometimes come off as judgmental. Which I am. Because that's one of our species best strategies for staying alive. The women killed by Ted Bundy could have used better judgment. However, I am actually quite open minded.

9. I've been married for 14 years and love the man I married. Even though we sometimes drive each other crazy. I can't see being with anyone else, ever.

10. Giving birth to my son was not what I would call "miraculous" or "beautiful". The only thing more traumatic than labor was being abused. Although breaking my hip was pretty fucking awful too.

11. I love my son so much my bones kind of hurt when I think of what an incredible human being he is.

12. Philip, Max, and I build the best Lego space stations, space ships, and super hero labs EVER.

13. I am not religious.

14. Though I do believe in the power of nature, the order of the universe, and have a deep understanding that I am just a cell in a larger being.

15. I love the sound of train whistles at night. Which I'm hearing right now.

16. I have terrible nightmares about my teeth. Losing them. Or finding deep black holes in them. Or having my jaws clamp shut so tight that all my teeth splinter apart. I have teeth issues. I have a lot of nightmares, deeply disturbing ones in which I get murdered, I watch other people get murdered, or find murdered bodies in garbage bags. Bathrooms also figure quite largely in my nightmares; bathrooms with broken toilets.

17. I have a very healthy self esteem.

18. Except for my feelings about my body which are very negative.

19. I am extremely uneasy being around couples who bicker and say mean snipey things to each other.

20. When I was 16, until I was almost 18, I frequently cut up my arms, legs, and stomach with razors, steak knives, and metal shavings. Only a couple of my friends ever knew about it. I hid it well from the rest of the world until I got healthier and started wearing short sleeves. While I am very open about my mental illness, this cutting issue is one I still find kind of painful to talk about because so few people understand it. Talking about it makes me feel like a very sick human being.

21. I was a virgin until I was 17 years old. I found losing my virginity to be pretty underwhelming.

22. I order the same thing every time I go to the same restaurant.

23. I call myself a prude a lot but that's only because I know that's how a lot of people have seen me. It isn't actually true but it amuses me to say I am.

24. I can watch a favorite movie an infinite number of times without getting tired of it.

25. I am not impressed by virility or armpit hair. I don't get off on the smell of man-sweat either.

26. I have five chin hairs.

27. I think I can still play one song on the accordion.

28. I am not very sentimental.

29. I am extremely empathetic though.

30. I absolutely adore my five hens: Dot, Pinny, Henna, Flower Bud, and Pearl.

31. I don't like going to bed. Even though I really need to sleep.

32. My eyelashes become less distinct with each passing year.

33. People often make the mistake of thinking I am naive.

34. I once got punched in the face by a very drunk skinhead on Haight Street. (Ah, the good ol' days.) (That was sarcasm in case you weren't sure.)

35. I can't read the newspaper because I get vivid nightmares from it. I always regret it when I break down and start to read it because it also depresses me.

36. I've passed out from panic attacks.

37. I am fascinated by Mormons but am in no way interested in following their faith which goes hand in hand with my not being religious. I think Mormonism is cultish and weird.

38. I think the best, most beautiful, strongest, and smartest people are those that come from the greatest mix of gene pools, especially when more than one race is involved. Diversity is strength.

39. I don't lie well. But I am able to divert attention away from the truth. Beware of my talents in this direction.

40. I was mugged in San Francisco but got away unscathed except for a rip in the silk pants I borrowed from my mom. I was so angry I actually started screaming at my attacker and in the end I think I scared the pee out of him. I have rarely truly yelled in my life and when I do, I am a little bit like hell unleashed.

41. I hate getting heat rashes.

42. I have prejudices but none of them are racial.

43. I don't like going to parties, it causes me a lot of anxiety.

44. I love fashion magazines and gossip rags.

45. I can't spend much time in museums because I get over stimulated very quickly and get panicky and sometimes angry.

46. Busy restaurants make me nervous. If there is a line to get seated it's not my kind of place.

47. I have a hard time saying no about some things, but I won't say which things.

48. I frequently fantasize about going to live in a cabin in the woods away from civilization and all interaction with other people. However, I'm afraid of getting ticks.

49. I also frequently fantasize about going to live in a monastery. I would really like to be Cadfael. Living an austere existence is appealing to me because I find the messiness of life very challenging.

50. I believe you have to be flexible with the outcome of life in order to be happy. Also that it's dangerous and unhealthy to pin all of your happiness on the condition of achieving one particular dream.

51. I don't understand the desire to have lots of children.

52. If you can say about a film that it's an "art" film, it's almost guaranteed that I will hate it. It's safest not to recommend movies to me.

53. My ability and willingness to hear other people's points of view often fools them into believing that my own is easily influenced when in fact my mind is not that easily budged from it's own ideas.

54. Being a very open person allows me to hide a lot of myself in plain sight. You are warned.

55. I am extremely anti war and always will be. There is only one instance where killing another human being is warranted and that's in self defense. Even in that instance it isn't exactly OK, just excusable. It is never self defense to enter another person's home or country with weapons. I am absolutely inflexible on this point.

56. I don't have rhythm and I don't dance. Except for with Max in the privacy of our own complete silliness.

57. I don't like chunky jewelry.

58. I really like diamonds and pearls and white gold (or platinum) a lot. I would love to have a few art deco diamond jewelry pieces.

59. I don't think I'm better than you.

60. Unless you are a serial killer. Almost everyone is better than a serial killer.

61. I'm not a lesbian or a swinger.

62. I don't want to be the boss of you.

63. I think beer is the best drink in the world. This wasn't always the case and I still can't account for how I came to love it so much.

64. I love all three of my parents very much and I'm not sure they always know it because I don't call that often.

65. I hate making phone calls.

66. I am a risk taker.

67. The best job I ever had was being a housewife.

68. "Piss or get off the pot" is a secret favorite sentiment of mine. I'm not a very patient person.

69. Putting tremendous value on the idea of innocence is incredibly annoying to me. Deep sorrow at losing innocence is also annoying to me. Life happens. Innocence is over rated. Children are also a lot less innocent than adults generally like to believe.

70. I eat candy in very specific layers.

71. I am extremely particular about the pens I use to write with.

72. I have vacuumed a lawn.

73. Buffets make me really nervous.

74. Sudden changes in plans makes me panic.

75. I am incredibly distrustful of people trying to sell me stuff. Even if I really need the stuff. I won't buy anything or agree to anything over the phone unless I sought it out myself.

76. I have a deep seated fear of ticks and may never recover from having had one crawling across my neck, even though my friend Chelsea flicked it away and scoffs at my fear. I may have to avoid grassy sea-sides, the South, all forests, and fields for the rest of my life to reduce my chances of encountering one again.

77. I am not agoraphobic but can feel the kernels of it living inside my head waiting for the perfect opportunity to bloom into lush life. Right now I can say that my favorite place is home, but I worry that someday I will have to admit that the only place is home.

78. I don't shock all that easily.

79. I have definitely inhaled but have never done any drugs that require a pipe or a needle.

80. I loath school fundraisers in which children are encouraged to hit up all their neighbors and relatives for money in exchange for garbage in the form of huge vats of mediocre cookie dough or giant candy bars that cost $5.00. Why not just ask the parents for money? I'd be more comfortable with that. But, of course, I don't have any. To not participate in these awful little fund raising contests is to deprive my son of the opportunity to win some horrid piece of shit toy for selling everyone he knows absolute junk. Ah, the American dream in action...

81. I hate carnivals. I hate the circus. I hate amusement parks. All of them are creepy and depressing.

82. Clowns make me painfully depressed. I don't understand why anyone still thinks they're hilarious. If you think they're funny and wonderful I'm going to have to love you a lot to overlook that blaring flaw.

83. I love dirt.

84. I love reading and used to devour a book every few days. Ever since quitting smoking, however, I barely read at all. I associated smoking with reading for so many years it's hard for me to pick up a book and not want to settle down with my smokes at my elbow. I have no desire to smoke anymore but haven't gotten past this psychological road block yet.

85. Before we had a kid I loved to travel. Traveling with a kid freaks me out. I get almost blinded by stress while traveling with Max. I went to New York with my mom and Max when he was three years old and it was so hard and so stressful that I have avoided talk of travel with him ever since. I want to point out that it isn't Max specifically that makes it challenging, he's actually not a bad traveler, it's traveling with kid needs and kid calamities that makes me want to crawl under a hole.

86. I love rain.

87. I don't think tans look good on people. A little bit of sun from gardening can be very attractive, but baked skin always looks unattractive to me. Naturally brown shades of skin I think are beautiful, and naturally pale shades of skin are beautiful. Some people, George Hamilton and women mostly, get so incredibly tanned that I almost yelp with fear when I see one unexpectedly.

88. I have a problem with involuntary violent images flashing through my brain. When it got really bad I had to go to therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy really helped with this. It got so bad I was afraid to go in my own kitchen. This is not something I talked about with other people much.

89. I have about a hundred uncomfortable thoughts a day. I share only a fraction of them on my blog.

90. I simultaneously love and deeply fear the ocean.

91. I intend to become a master at tart baking. I'm pretty good at it now, but haven't remotely reached the level of skill I would like to.

92. I really really really want to like figs raw. But I don't.

93. I would love to have a farm but not have to make my living at it. I would like about two acres of good land with an orchard, a barn for a few farm animals, a ton of chickens, and lots of room for growing food and wild flowers, dahlias, and roses.

94. My farm would obviously not have a single tick on the premises.

95. I would like to die before my husband does.

96. My greatest hope for my son besides hoping he'll live a long good life, is that he has the capacity to create and experience happiness.

97. I hate dry wind. I only like wind in a wet storm. Wind makes me angry.

98. I always injure myself doing yoga.

99. I have continued to try meditation in a traditional way for most of my life (my mom and dad had us trying when we were kids) but the only meditation that works for me is cleaning my house to music so loud it drowns out the revolving words in my head or by hanging out with my vegetables and flowers in the garden.

100. The taste, smell, and feel of raw cold butter makes me want to throw up.

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