Christmas Is Coming

(walk, don't run)
(or vomit)

Once upon a time I was like a combination Scrooge/Grinch. I hated Christmas. But don't worry, this isn't going to be yet another thinly veiled version of "A Christmas Carol". A story I can't even get a quarter of the way through without wanting to strangle all the characters. No, this won't be a story like that because I really still am a grump* about Christmas and if there were any rotten tomatoes available in December I would be tempted to throw them at any carolers that dare come to my door. Which, by the way, it totally freaks me out that people still try to keep up this tradition as though it will transform our modern-hybrid-dark world back into the Rockwellian fantasy that people like to imagine it used to be.

I did hear of one instance of caroling that actually seems pretty sweet- I guess some people go sing them in old folks homes. Well, you know that I would be the grousing old hag in the corner of the TV room screeching for the god damned rosy-cheeked do-gooders to keep their voices down so I can hear the episode of Friends where Ross is doing lots of "Karah-tay" for the one millionth time... but I think a lot of older folks would enjoy that kind of cheer being brought to them from the outside world.

Anyway, over the years my feelings about Christmas have changed quite a lot. Why? How? When I married Philip back 1993 I let him know that I hated Christmas. Like...put my head in the toilet for a month hated it. He didn't care. He was the first person who didn't care if I didn't get all excited about Christmas. In his family it was always celebrated late anyway, and also? He just didn't care. It was the mellowest holiday ever. By the second year together I kind of unwound a little. Not having the pressure to love the stupid bloated holiday released some of my venom around it and I found myself, oddly, wanting to decorate.

But isn't life funny? We had no money for a tree of any kind so I went to Walgreens and bought two branches of a tree for two dollars and stuck it in one of those two feet tall coffee canisters that coffee gets shipped in to roasting facilities. We spray painted it gold and we had these really stupid glow in the dark angels and some little toy goldfish, which is what we decorated the tree with. It was more charming than you would imagine.

Over the years we've dropped giving presents to friends, which means we have only to think about presents for each other and for family. I have a very small family. Sometimes it seems a little sad, our tiny little groups of us with our nontraditional methods of celebrating everything, but at others it seems that we are really blessed to have such a small number of people to worry about. Philip's family mostly just exchange cards anyway so the pressure on us to give gifts is pretty small.

Right now, all of you people with those giant families and the thousand gift giving obligations are really feeling the sweat accumulate. I think it's time you took things in hand and learn to have Christmases like we do. Actually, I can only speak for myself, my family still really sweats the holidays, and I'm not sure why. OK, so I think my family should read this too:

• It is absolutely alright to cut down the number of people you exchange gifts with. Anyone in your life who would be offended at you suggesting the exchange of cards only is someone who doesn't deserve to get presents in the first place. "But we've always exchanged gifts with Uncle Larry and his nine children, I can't break tradition..." Oh hell yes you can!!! Be brave, keep your gift giving to your immediate family circle. Cousins and second cousins and third cousins can all get cards. That's enough. Aunts and Uncles should give gifts to young nieces and nephews but when they are not kids anymore I think they should feel free to just send a nice card with a thoughtful note.

• Don't exchange gifts with friends. Ditto everything I said above. We stopped doing it years ago. Getting a card, especially with a nice note, from friends is quite enough. When you aren't tripping over an over sized gift giving obligation, sending out a bunch of cards is not very hard or time consuming. My policy with friends is- if they have a home made preserve or cookies or anything they made themselves that they are dying to give me I will accept. No bought gifts. I will often give out some jars of preserves with the caveat that no one needs reciprocate.

• Give everyone on your list the same thing. We do this in my family sometimes. My sister and mom just did some secret herbal gift project while she was visiting. So whatever they made, we will all get some. And by "herbal" I am not referring to pot. I don't think anyone in my family is still smokin' it. There is a tremendous amount of pressure on everyone to give unique gifts to each family member, as though it is only in the amount of trouble you went to for each individual that makes a gift count. That's RUBBISH. If you make a big batch of something home made that you made well and worthy of giving as a gift, it will be good enough for most of the people in your family.

• Give the same thing each year. You can make a tradition out of the things you give people. If you make bath salts this year for everyone on your list, then you could make them every year and only change the scents you use, just make little changes. Everyone may know what they're getting but there will always be a little surprise and they'll come to look forward to receiving your homemade goods each year. Some people think that they can't get away with repeating their gift repertoire but you know what? THAT IS RIDICULOUS. You can do whatever you want. The point of a gift isn't to strap you with some great responsibility to be original and spend all your money. That is a total myth.

• You are in charge of your holidays, not corporate America. Maybe not everyone on your (now shortened) gift giving list likes the same things, but I think it's not hard to find great handmade things that suit most family members. Your family may be used to you shopping for them at Macy's and hurting your brain to figure out what they've always wanted and if you're worried that you'll disappoint them with homemade candles...banish the thought. You have to retrain yourself first, then you retrain your family to appreciate useful handmade gifts. And if they are disappointed? SO FUCKING WHAT? Let go of it. Just let go of other people's expectations of you.

• You don't have to like Christmas. I know you think that the sky will fall down if you don't love seeing freaks dressing up as a big fat pedophile red-suited rosy cheeked men who live for delivering gifts to mostly bratty children. But it won't fall down, I promise. I am an expert on this. I suggest you just let go of other people's expectations of you. Oh, did I already say that? Well I don't think it's possible to say it enough. LET GO OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS OF YOU AROUND THIS HOLIDAY. Let other people grapple with their own demons. When you just let go of expectations people have of you, you are free to make of this holiday what you want.

I never feel the holiday pressure anymore. It's true. I try to get cards out to all of my friends, but I don't always get around to it. Is it the end of the world? No. I don't get cards from a lot of my friends and do I judge them for it? No, actually, I don't. I figure they just couldn't get around to it and I don't take it personally because my enjoyment of this holiday is not dependent on anyone else. I make most of my gifts for my family and since there aren't a lot of people to please it really isn't that hard to think up cool gifts. They might not ever use what I make them but I get pleasure out of making things and I know that even if they haven't always wanted a pot holder, a pot holder is always handy.

I am going to compile a list of handmade gift ideas today to post. If I can get around to it I will actually try to give either a tutorial or at least some specifics on how the ideas may be accomplished. You should all really tune into Whip Up this coming month too because their theme for December is holiday crafts so there should be a lot of ideas there too. (And don't forget that they are posting my tutorial on scenting bath salts on December 1)

I think this post actually needs a little recap:

• DISLIKE THIS HOLIDAY IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

• PARE DOWN YOUR GIFT EXCHANGING LIST AND DON'T ADD ANY NEW ONES.

• LET GO OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS OF YOU.

If you follow my suggestions you may feel a little withdrawal from the release of stress. That is normal. You may experience a little shaking and nervousness because you don't believe that your family could possibly still love you for making your holidays less stressful, believe me, they won't even notice that you're making changes because they'll be so busy stressing out themselves. Just be strong and you may find that Christmas no longer holds any terrors for you.


*I'm not a grump because of all the holiday stress, because I don't have any of that anymore. It's more about the fact that I think Santa is a crock, I hate all Christmas music that has the words "Santa", "Merry", "Snowy", "Cheer" or any other tunes that reference Christmas, I don't like wearing little tokens of Christmas on my person (though I don't object to everyone else doing it), and I loathe all movies (old and new) that are Christmas themed. Plus, I'm not religious so the whole Christ's birthday thing seems silly too. I also retchingly hate eggnog. And yes, I've tried it. And no, I won't like your special version of it.