Fitting In Is Hard To Do

There is a church for almost every possible religious denomination in my county. And there are always more being built. If the map of Yamhill County had been stamped "Bible Belt Of The West Coast" I would probably have chosen somewhere else to live. However, I found myself here and I love almost everything about it so I have to find a way to fit in where I don't fit in.

Here in my county one of the first things people ask you is "What church do you attend?" which I always want to answer with smart ass retorts like "I attend the Church of the disenfranchised Americans" or "I go to the congregation of non-believers." I don't say these things because I try to maintain respect for people who believe that worship must be offered to God in a very specific way in order for it to be valid even though it seems awfully small minded to me. As I said in my last post, I see a person who believes in god as a person who is not completely unlike myself who believes in nature as a great designer of life. They don't generally see me with the same willingness to open one's mind to different expressions for the same essential beliefs.

I bring this up because living in a community that takes god very seriously makes me frequently feel out of place. Add to that the high prevalence of people who want or have large families...

I wasn't going to bring this up to anyone besides my mother and my very close friend Chelsea because they are the only two people I could be sure I could really unload my mind to and receive the support I needed and know that they would still love me in spite of my idiocy. However, after talking with my mom I realized that my issue is one that is truly universal and to not talk about it is not doing myself or anyone any good.

If you are in a situation where you are the odd man out it sits on your shoulders to try and blend in. When you visit a foreign country do you read about it first? Try to learn a few phrases of a different language? Do you visit quietly, taking in the sights and the people with an open mind. Letting them be who they are? Or do you stomp around arrogantly pointing at the natives and expecting everyone to make way for you?

I try not to make a fuss about people's religion. I try to be respectful. I moved to a community that cherishes the bible and I try not to step all over that. In doing so I keep an awful lot close to my chest, even among friends because most of the friends I've made here believe in god in the biblical sense, though none of them actually attend a church. They don't ask me about my spiritual beliefs much and I suppose it's to preserve a friendship that might not stand the rigors of religious discussions between believers and nonbelievers.

I am not used to not being able to freely say what I think about religion. I am not used to knowing that most of the people I meet not only don't share the same beliefs as I do, but that they don't have much respect for mine.

So I don't say a lot of things that come to my mind. It's the same with the idea that people here never seem to be finished having babies or wanting more babies. It's the religion of family and children. I have never met so many women who would happily have four or five children if circumstances allowed.

So here's what I want you, increasingly alienated reader?, to understand: these aren't idle issues for me. These are fundamental differences in life view and choices. I spent half of Sunday having the most massive panic attack I've had in a long time. My palpitations felt like ball peen hammer blows about to crack through my chest. My thoughts were obsessively revolving around in my head over the subject of everyone in my town wanting lots of fucking babies. Why is everyone so goddamn obsessed with family and making babies?!

I'm not kidding. I had a massive panic attack (which sometimes feels like it might morph into a heart attack) because everyone around me would really like a large family and I feel very alone and I cannot understand it nor go down that road with anyone. I also can't talk about this very much because I'd pretty much find myself alone. Friendless. I can either have no friends, or have friends who would all just keep having babies until they were fifty five if circumstances would allow.

I worked so hard to talk myself into a calm about this. "Angelina, you unfeminine bitch, you can be friends with people who want lots of babies....it's alright...you won't implode...you'll still have something in common...you'll be able to spend time with them without babies and children everywhere when you're 102 years old....right when they go through that whole empty nest crap that you won't go through because you are like a man and-damn if you're not as hairy as one..."

So just as I'm getting calmer about this whole big family phenomenon here in the bible belt, I realize that sometimes being a non-christian in a christian community is just as alienating as being a woman who believes that having small or medium sized families is the responsible way to use one's ovaries. So my panic attack moves seamlessly into the religious realm. It's good to have plenty of fuel for my mental illness to feed on.

I unloaded all this on my mom and she made some very good observations which mostly boil down to the fact that I moved from a community in which I fit in well to one in which I am the odd man out. I am the Darwin fish on dry land praying to the mud heap from which I just exited to please help me evolve soon enough to not die out. My mom pointed out that I moved to a place where I don't share a lot of fundamental beliefs. She suggested I make more time to spend with my nonreligious and small family friends so that I can unwind and let my heart have a rest where it is safe and comfortable.

That got me thinking about how I've heard a lot of murmers from people in the last couple of years, both religious and stray religious sheep, who have been pining to find a greater sense of community by finding a church they can feel good about attending. I think us nonreligious people need to congregate too.

Every non religious person I have met in my community here in Yamhill county has expressed an alarming degree of relief at meeting another nonreligious person. I have shared that alarming degree of relief. We whisper incredulously to each other in dark corners about how some people here don't even believe in evolution(!!) and let our shock out from its guarded cell. I'm not easily shockable and I admit that I think not believing in evolution is EXACTLY like not believing the earth is round.