How To Choose A Spouse

Over the course of the 16+ years I've been married I have heard people comment on my "luck" many times in having found a good partner.  I find this terribly annoying because luck had little to do with it.  What I did was snatch a good opportunity when it agreed to drive me to Vegas in a hearse for my 23rd birthday.

Over the years I have heard so many complaints from single people that it's impossible to know if someone will make a good spouse or not and that finding "The right person" is daunting and the collective sighs are pretty loud.  Then my single friends say something ridiculous like "You're so lucky that you found Philip!" as though he fell from the sky into my lap like a gift from a cherubic naked angel.  You don't "find" good spouses, you choose them.

I have observed the kinds of men that women often date and quite often they aren't the guys that would make good life partners.  I'm always a little surprised when girls date guys with a history of cheating and then he cheats on them and they're like "Oh my god!  I can't believe he'd do that to me!"  and I'm like "Really?  Cause he did that to his last girlfriend.  I kinda saw that one coming."  which makes me incredibly unpopular.  That's like electing a Bush to office and then being shocked when he starts a war.  Some things are not a big mystery.

I want to help.  I want to share some wisdom with those single people who are still waiting for their magical significant other to drop from the sky in a big cloud of glitter.  So pay attention, please:


What makes a good spouse?  Everyone has some ideas about what their perfect spouse would be like.  Usually it involves great sex, gorgeousness, sense of humor, plenty of money, sense of adventure, natty dresser, good manners, kind to the elderly, wants a bushel of children, and never rags on your driving skills.  Almost no one ever says they want to end up with the career criminal with bad skin and manners, so why do so many people date them?  I am going to list the types of people you should avoid dating if what you want is a happy ending.

The drug addict:  There is plenty of room in every marriage to develop drug habits over the years- don't start off with one!  Signs that a person is a drug addict:  always has a liter of vodka in hand, has track marks up their arms, you met them at a party at which they were hilariously drunk, poor hygiene, hangs out with mostly drug addicts, hangs out with drug dealers, perpetually blood shot eyes are probably not due to a rare glandular problem, and steals your money.  If you observe any of these behaviors or evidence of drug use, walk away fast.  (This is all assuming you're not a drug addict yourself.)

The Cheater:  If you acquire your partner by stealing him/her from someone else, don't be surprised if you end up being cheated on in your relationship too.  Anyone not capable of breaking up with one person before having sex with another person is not an honorable type of person and the recidivist rate among cheaters is pretty high.  Expect the worst.  Or, better yet, don't ever date someone you know is a cheater.  Your love isn't likely to change them no matter how many teddy bears and balloons your relationship produces. 

Mysterious loners:  Many people romanticize the loner type of person and make them out to be heroes or at least desirably difficult to assess and attain.  While some mysterious loner types might be as pure as Mother Theresa, beware!  If a person has no friends there is most likely a good reason for that.  You should always be able to get a read on someone by the company they keep.  If they keep no company then there's a chance they may be a serial killer or a polygamist with lots of secret separate lives. 

The Abuser:  An abusive person doesn't get better with age.  They don't stop abusing as long as the person they're with keeps coming back.  Love doesn't conquer all.  In fact, love can really screw your mind up and cause you to make poor decisions, like staying with an abusive partner because you know that somewhere underneath that rough fist is a sweet soul.  Leave.  Don't marry this person.  If you've been yelled at like you're a piece of shit or if you've been hit- believe me when I say: IT WILL MOST CERTAINLY HAPPEN AGAIN.  The only thing that can help an abuser is to seek therapy, possibly take psyche meds, or at least stop taking crack or drinking tequila by the barrel.* 

The Wishy Washy Waster:  This person is, in a relationship, like a wet noodle: doesn't stick to anything until it's forced to from drying out.  You can't find a backbone?  There probably isn't one.  Says he/she wants to get married but will never set a date?  Anyone who really wants to get married will set a date.  Have you noticed that every time you ask a serious question you are suddenly talking about something completely different as though someone skillfully changed the subject on you?  They did.  This personality doesn't know what they want but they don't want you to know that they don't know what they want because that would make them seem like a poor choice for a partner.  Avoid going out with people who are still in the process of growing up.


When you exclude all those types from your list of possible spouses the pool is much smaller and easier to choose from.  So what qualities make a good life partner?  I know you want to say "Someone really romantic who is great in bed!"  This is where I slap you out of your delusional state.  Romance and sex are largely guided by hormones and hormones are largely out of everyone's control.  A good sex life is a healthy part of a relationship but it isn't a solid basis for choosing a spouse.  Anyone who wants to can improve in bed, but some good that will do you if they also belittle you constantly or hit you.  People can have the best sex together but be incapable of conducting a healthy relationship.

Something to talk about:  What you want is someone who shares many of your interests but has a few of their own that you don't share.  You want commonality, not complete boredom.  When you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with you need someone who has an interest in learning, exploring, and understanding the world you live in because this is the kind of person who will continue to be interesting so there will be plenty to talk about in the winter of your lives.

Flexibility is essential.  No, I'm not talking about being able to stretch a leg around a neck.  Flexibility with regards to the outcome of the future and an ability to roll with change.  A willingness to rewrite life plans because without this ability expectations calcify and needs become impossible to meet.  If you are dating a woman who absolutely insists that the only thing that will make her life complete is to have children, even if you want children yourself- is this a person who is capable of finding happiness with you even if you find out you can't have children?  Probably not.  An ability to roll and adapt to change as a couple is essential.

Companionship:  This may sound like a no-brainer but if you can't talk to your partner like a friend and if you don't enjoy each other's company more than you enjoy anyone else's company then you shouldn't get hitched.  It won't last.  You have to like spending time together.  You have to like being around each other even when your sex life isn't as hopping as it was in the beginning.  Hearts and flowers and romance come and go in a relationship but companionship is steady and is what pulls you through the hard times. 

Communication skills:  Look for this in a prospective partner.  The strong silent type might seem sexy at first but if a person is strong and silent because they are incapable of talking about anything important then they're next to useless in a partnership.  Most people can't read minds.  Remember that.  A partner should be capable and interested in communicating what their needs and desires are and also be capable of listening to you communicate yours.

One last thing:  think carefully about everything I've said here and ask yourself if you meet these guidelines for a good partner.  Are you a catch?  It's easy to look for and expect certain qualities in others but a good partner is going to be looking for the same things in you.  So before you go out looking for your soul mate, be sure you evaluate what your weak points are and work on improving.  Then continue to work on it for the rest of your life. 

My point is: finding a good relationship starts with the relationship you have with yourself.


*Many abusers are teetotalers but sometimes drugs will create an abuser out of a person who used to be perfectly nice.  It doesn't matter.  Just leave.