Just Say NO
(because "no" is the new "yes")
I got to hang out with my friend Lisa B. and our mutual friend Angeleen for a while yesterday and aside from the fun of talking about pubic hair lasering, religion, and the importance of personal preferences in body products (an excellent argument for making one's own!) I was reminded by Angeleen about something I already knew but had forgotten in this crazy shuffle that my life has been:That saying "no" is one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself in order to create the life I actually want to be living.
Apparently I managed to inspire Angeleen to make some choices for herself that have led to a greater fulfillment in her domestic pursuits. She has let some things in her life fall by the wayside so that when she's not working she is doing things around the house for herself and her family which have been making her a lot happier than she was.
It reminded me of the happiest time in my life when I was thirty four years old, finally medicated and through some therapy, living in a house I loved, with my kid and my husband, not working outside the home but toying with starting a part time business called "Dustpan Alley" and spending lots of time gardening, cooking, hanging out with neighbors and friends, and doing projects around the house. Although we weren't at all rich, we weren't financially struggling at that time. We were comfortable. I was in love with my life. So much so that right before everything fell apart I actually knew I was living the life I wanted, that made me happy, that made me feel useful loved and excited.
What I loved the most was not having a lot of obligations outside of cooking almost every day, taking care of the kid, and the house.
So what's standing in the way of having the perfect life right now?
Me and my inability to say no. No to offering to teach people things, no to taking on jobs I don't want, no to volunteer work, and no to activities I don't want to be doing. In fact, I think I may have a compulsive problem with offering up my services all over the place. I don't even realize I'm doing it until the words are out of my mouth and a retraction would be not just impolite but kind of dishonorable.
I haven't been getting far on the magazine this week because of all the time I've spent cooking. I'm cooking a lot more and better food than I have in a long time. Trying to provide Philip with food to take to work so he doesn't buy it out. Trying to make sure there are good healthy choices for me to grab instead of cheesy quesadillas every time I'm hungry. Not working on the magazine stresses me out because I really want to do it. Back when I was picking a name out with all of you and trying to come up with a time line for it I thought I would be able to just sit down and figure the program out. Which has turned out not to be true. I also didn't count on suddenly having four jobs instead of one.
Just as soon as I was down one job I volunteered my ass for another one like a real verbal incontinent. Afterwords I wanted to take it back. But the person I offered to do freelance work for has really beautiful teeth.
So after hanging out with Angeleen I've been asking myself how I could be so close to getting back to the ideal life yet be so far?
It's because I keep putting new projects on the roster that take me away from my home and what really matters to me.
It's because I don't know how to shut up.
It's because I keep putting pressure on myself to do projects for others out of a sense of duty.
I just realized, while making split pea soup and lentil salad that the magazine isn't going to suddenly become irrelevant to those of us who would be interested in it. I'm still getting articles in from my friends. I have just gotten my copy of the book that will hopefully tell me how to use the program I have acquired to make this magazine in. What's up with the asinine rush? Why do I always have my thumb shoved into my own jugular?
I've decided to not worry about it. I'm still doing it. But I've realized it's going to take time. And I want to give it time. Because I want to do it right. Plus I need to save up money to print it. It won't go bad if it comes out in late winter or spring. Everything going into it is still going to be exciting and relevant.
But worrying about doing it right now is making me unhappy. I am happy when my life isn't rushed. I am happy when I can take my time to do things. When I can go at my own pace which, everyone who knows me well is already aware of the fact that- it's SLOW.
My life is slowing down finally and I both love and need it to.
Which means I better start saying no to everything.
Want to join a committee for underprivileged goth teens Angelina?
NO.
Could I pay you to make me some clothes Angelina?
NO.
Wanna do some grave digging Angelina? I can pay you $3 per hour!
Yeeee.....NO!
Wanna join my weekly coffee Klatch Angelina?
NO.
Wanna give a talk at the local art school about eating locally?
NO.
How would you like to attend a boring local function with people who don't give a crap about you and your little problems?
NO.
The biggest lie most of us tell ourselves every day is that we have no choice but to do everything we're doing, even when we really wish we weren't doing so much. We make excuses. We say we have to do it "for the kids". Or we think that if we let go of so much outside activity in our lives we will internally combust.
The truth is, we are all a lot better off when there's room in our lives for things like spontaneous naps, unexpected visits with friends, and sudden silly games with our kids or long talks with our spouses. The truth is, life is a lot better when we have time.
Since there's only 24 hours in the day, something has to give.
Practice saying NO to everything non-essential which means anything that doesn't pay your bills or make you and your family happy.
Time is the best medicine and the only way to get time is to stop wasting it.
NONONONONONONONO.
NO is a beautiful but elusive word.
Apparently I managed to inspire Angeleen to make some choices for herself that have led to a greater fulfillment in her domestic pursuits. She has let some things in her life fall by the wayside so that when she's not working she is doing things around the house for herself and her family which have been making her a lot happier than she was.
It reminded me of the happiest time in my life when I was thirty four years old, finally medicated and through some therapy, living in a house I loved, with my kid and my husband, not working outside the home but toying with starting a part time business called "Dustpan Alley" and spending lots of time gardening, cooking, hanging out with neighbors and friends, and doing projects around the house. Although we weren't at all rich, we weren't financially struggling at that time. We were comfortable. I was in love with my life. So much so that right before everything fell apart I actually knew I was living the life I wanted, that made me happy, that made me feel useful loved and excited.
What I loved the most was not having a lot of obligations outside of cooking almost every day, taking care of the kid, and the house.
So what's standing in the way of having the perfect life right now?
Me and my inability to say no. No to offering to teach people things, no to taking on jobs I don't want, no to volunteer work, and no to activities I don't want to be doing. In fact, I think I may have a compulsive problem with offering up my services all over the place. I don't even realize I'm doing it until the words are out of my mouth and a retraction would be not just impolite but kind of dishonorable.
I haven't been getting far on the magazine this week because of all the time I've spent cooking. I'm cooking a lot more and better food than I have in a long time. Trying to provide Philip with food to take to work so he doesn't buy it out. Trying to make sure there are good healthy choices for me to grab instead of cheesy quesadillas every time I'm hungry. Not working on the magazine stresses me out because I really want to do it. Back when I was picking a name out with all of you and trying to come up with a time line for it I thought I would be able to just sit down and figure the program out. Which has turned out not to be true. I also didn't count on suddenly having four jobs instead of one.
Just as soon as I was down one job I volunteered my ass for another one like a real verbal incontinent. Afterwords I wanted to take it back. But the person I offered to do freelance work for has really beautiful teeth.
So after hanging out with Angeleen I've been asking myself how I could be so close to getting back to the ideal life yet be so far?
It's because I keep putting new projects on the roster that take me away from my home and what really matters to me.
It's because I don't know how to shut up.
It's because I keep putting pressure on myself to do projects for others out of a sense of duty.
I just realized, while making split pea soup and lentil salad that the magazine isn't going to suddenly become irrelevant to those of us who would be interested in it. I'm still getting articles in from my friends. I have just gotten my copy of the book that will hopefully tell me how to use the program I have acquired to make this magazine in. What's up with the asinine rush? Why do I always have my thumb shoved into my own jugular?
I've decided to not worry about it. I'm still doing it. But I've realized it's going to take time. And I want to give it time. Because I want to do it right. Plus I need to save up money to print it. It won't go bad if it comes out in late winter or spring. Everything going into it is still going to be exciting and relevant.
But worrying about doing it right now is making me unhappy. I am happy when my life isn't rushed. I am happy when I can take my time to do things. When I can go at my own pace which, everyone who knows me well is already aware of the fact that- it's SLOW.
My life is slowing down finally and I both love and need it to.
Which means I better start saying no to everything.
Want to join a committee for underprivileged goth teens Angelina?
NO.
Could I pay you to make me some clothes Angelina?
NO.
Wanna do some grave digging Angelina? I can pay you $3 per hour!
Yeeee.....NO!
Wanna join my weekly coffee Klatch Angelina?
NO.
Wanna give a talk at the local art school about eating locally?
NO.
How would you like to attend a boring local function with people who don't give a crap about you and your little problems?
NO.
The biggest lie most of us tell ourselves every day is that we have no choice but to do everything we're doing, even when we really wish we weren't doing so much. We make excuses. We say we have to do it "for the kids". Or we think that if we let go of so much outside activity in our lives we will internally combust.
The truth is, we are all a lot better off when there's room in our lives for things like spontaneous naps, unexpected visits with friends, and sudden silly games with our kids or long talks with our spouses. The truth is, life is a lot better when we have time.
Since there's only 24 hours in the day, something has to give.
Practice saying NO to everything non-essential which means anything that doesn't pay your bills or make you and your family happy.
Time is the best medicine and the only way to get time is to stop wasting it.
NONONONONONONONO.
NO is a beautiful but elusive word.
Go ahead...ask me something.
Labels: chaotic life, slow living