The Reluctant Gears Of Change

I have been so impatient for change in the past three years that I have failed to remember how the best change is an organic mutation of the present and like all mutations, takes cycle after cycle to regenerate and write itself into permanance.  You may wake up one morning with an epiphany "Wow!  I've been an asshole for thirty years and have driven away everyone who ever loved me.  I vow to change myself from this day forward!!"  These epiphanies are valuable because they set wheels in motion for change and give us a direction, a clarity to work with, and a goal. 

But change takes time if it is to be meaningful and long lasting.

This past few weeks has taught me that my expectations of both myself and of others has been too great.  I have unfairly expected the impossible of everyone.  I started getting depressed all over again at how fat I still am, at how hard our every day is here at home, at how I have lost friends and acquaintances because I was unrealistic and wishful of the very best out of everyone.  I surprised myself with an almost unprecedented show of rage that exploded out of me unexpectedly.  I have seen sides of people that were unfortunate and unpleasant.  I have uncovered hidden sides of myself.

Then I started seeing the true change taking shape.  Excruciatingly slowly- turning like rusty gears inside the machine of life.  Almost unseen but felt in the soles of my feet like the buzz of noise you hear in a big city without really hearing it.  Sound beyond sound.  It stirs your nerves, either with excitement or dread, but it stirs you with its strong undercurrent.

It's there for me to see and to hold on to.  Like tiny seeds of hope I plant each spring hoping for a feast of fresh beans.  Rare and precious beans like magic, filling me and everyone I love with light.  The light of the sun we remember in our cold bones when we are inside the throat of winter.

Gears are shifting.  I am seeing the signs everywhere now.  This fresh ability to make even one healthy choice for myself.  To choose to eat an avocado instead of a doughnut, not out of a sense of deprivation or diet trickery, but because avocados are surely the finest food nature has ever formed and if I'm being truly honest with myself- I would always eat an avocado* instead of a doughnut if only I had realized it was a choice.  Such a small thing, I know, but my body was happier eating that rich creamy ripe avocado than it ever was indulging in a doughnut. 

Deciding to ride my bicycle to return our movies yesterday even though it was windy and sunny (I loathe the combination of wind with sun).  I don't always have the opportunity to do that.  My mom was here and offered to stay with the kid while I ran my errand the long way.  I rode the 6.5 mile ride cursing the wind the whole way- but I did it.  I could have taken the scooter.  I didn't.  I'm still fat today.  Change is slow.  I am slower.

Not drinking beer last night.  Staying within my calorie goals.  Drinking wine, but stopping at a moment I know I normally would have had "one more".

All of these minute actions are the proof of change.  Change in my spirit.  Change in my habits.  Change in my life.

My son being diagnosed with the disorder he's been living with all his short life has been bigger change.  Even more surprising is my husband learning about ADD and having the sudden realization that he most likely has ADD himself and when he looks back at himself as a kid he sees himself now in a fresh light.  (A cousin in his family also has ADD.)  Everything I've ever wanted to scream at my spouse about are issues that are common in people with ADD. 

These are changes that can not as yet be measured.  Cannot be known in full.  Because it unfolds at its own pace, not mine.

This week, just when I was going to plummet with worry about losing this house because we have been one month behind in paying our mortgage for several months and just couldn't seem to get caught up, Philip got a paycheck considerably larger than usual and we are now caught up with our mortgage.  The mortgage of this house we love.  This house that seems to have prompted so many impossible situations for us financially and yet has been the perfect place to heal and gets better every day.

I was just about to say that I still fear becoming too happy, that if I do- everything will come apart again.  Yet it isn't really true.  I know- I know that everything could fall apart again just as I reach a great and happy place in my life, but I am not fearing it.  I can handle it.  Perhaps not gracefully, but I can handle it.  This is life.  Building things up and tearing them down.  It's the way of the entire universe.  Entropy is king of all things. 

I know that so many people are going through tough times just like we have been going through- so please think on this today.  Think about the kind of changes you would like to make, and after you have mapped it out begin to move.  You will feel impatience too.  You will be pushing at the walls in frustration- but keep moving forward even when things seem temporarily impossibly worse than they were before.  Keep moving forward.  But be honest with yourself absolutely as much as you can at all times.  Because I promise you that if you sit quietly to rest, when it's time to rest, you will hear the gears begin to move too, like a shadow sound, like an irresistible moving tide, shushing through your life. 

Keep coming back to the point again and again.  What needs to change or what you want to change.  Every time you have a set back- stand back up again.  Even if you have mud on your ass and grass in your hair.  Even if the stars seem to have disappeared from the earth, get back up and take stock.  Then move forward again.  You're going to

I don't have much to give to anyone but if I could give you anything I'd give you more hope and more strength.  It is easier to move forward when you're not alone.  You make me feel less alone and I want to do the same for you.

My rest moment has come to an end so I must stand up now and see to the details of the rest of the day.  I've taken many deep breaths while writing this.  This has served as my meditation for the day.  I hope all of you will take a little time to rest now too and listen.







*Even though avocados are high in fat for a fruit, the fat they have is the best kind you can ingest, the mineral and vitamin content of avocados is phenomenal, and if you are comparing it to a doughnut- they are considerably less impactful calorie-wise.