What The Sunshine Brought

The first Sun Gold cherry tomatoes!  I ate the three ripe ones while watering.

This is the fist bunch of beans to appear.  I've got lots of flowers which is really promising.  My beans have only done marginally well here the last three years.  But they are looking much better this year.  I sometimes think that you have to be where you're supposed to be in order to grow the things you want.  That's a little superstition for you.

Max and I are in a fight right now because of an incident with his fish sticks.  Naturally, whenever any little thing goes wrong he sees his entire life as bad and horrible and brimming with major buckets of suckitude.  He told me "Summer BLOWS!"  First of all- where did he get that expression from?  I don't generally use it myself, though I probably will now.  And second of all-I agreed with him.  Summer for us really does blow.  We hate it.  Wow, how about all that negativity?  I am not a parent who can deal with the kind of kid I have for 16 hours a day.  He is not interested in looking for bugs, swimming, sprinklers, parks, hiking, or any of those things that I hear adults pining over nostalgically and which I sometimes think is the only reason some people have kids- so they can relive the dreamy summer vacations of their youth.  I kind of hate that so many people have kids who are living up to their dreamy expectations.  Why do they get all the popsicles, twinkly little sandy toes, and smug -ass crafty summers while I get to try to convince my child to step outside with me for five minutes?  Yes, I have a serious case of sour grapes. 

Last year wasn't so bad because we were able to afford to send Max to camp.  He hated it, of course.  But it made sure that he got outside (let other people fight him on it!) and that he interacted with lots of other kids, and that he had the structure he so desperately needs.

So it happens that my child will be able to say that he spent his summer watching The Simpsons, Futurama, and playing video games.  I am that mom that everyone despises.  I am the mom that epitomises all that is wrong in the world today.  I am the one you talk about smugly amongst yourselves while your kids happily munch on carrots from your garden and paint pictures of butterflies and say "Oh mommy!  Why can't summer last forever?!" and you all have butterflies in your hearts and want five more kids so you can relive this dreamy summertime life forever. 

If I can get my tires fixed soon I plan to drive me and Max out to a local creek to look for crawdads to catch and release and he'll come kicking and screaming and maybe we'll have five minutes of fun before we both end up with sunstroke and come home and decide that we'll be better off if we just watch more Simpsons.  Yep, that's us.  That's what summer is.  I'll tell you what- I am going to save money all year long if I have to to make sure he goes to camp next year.

Anyway, as much as I hate school being out and as much as I don't enjoy being the mom that everyone gets to be better than, I'm not as grumpy as I sound right now.  It's mostly the kid.

The kid is really grumpy and surly and his therapist was saying that it may be time, before school begins, to try medication for him.  We've known this would be reccomended all along, he told us he would most likely reccomend it for Max, but he was waiting.  He wanted to see Max more.  Which I'm glad of.  Who needs to be in a hurry for that?  Yet, wisdom tells me that just like I'm a much easier person to deal with when my head is being regulated and I feel more comfortable in my skin, Max's surliness is also partly due to the intense amount of frustration and discomfort he feels in his everyday life.  And why would I deny him a chance to find out what it's like to feel more comfortable, to get along with people better?  To enjoy life more? 

His mood swings are exacerbated by a lack of structure.  This is not his fault.  It's ours.  But I am having so much struggle just getting my own crap together every day and I work almost 30 hours a week and I can't monitor him and give him structure while I am doing my work.  He's not a kid you can sit down with a paintbrush and paper and say "Paint!" and he'll just happily do it for hours.  Everything he does, every activity requires mine or Philip's complete attention.  100% attention.  So I am doomed to failure at the outset. 

One really nice thing we've done two days in a row is play chess.  He's teaching me.  He kicks my butt every time but it's fun for both of us (which should surprise anyone who knows me since everyone knows I DON'T PLAY GAMES.)  But he doesn't get all aggitated when he plays chess.  He enjoys himself and I don't ever mind losing (though I really am trying!).  I'm hoping we can play a game of it every day.  At least it's something that I can really enjoy with him and feel like we got to do something that really connects us.

He's truly an incredible kid and I wish I not only had the endless time and endless patience to give him the kind of constant structure and kind boundaries that he needs and deserves but that I wasn't always having to deal with my own head too. 

In spite of the surly child I'm living with I spent some much needed time in the garden this afternoon while Max hung out with a friend for a couple of hours.  I watered, I pulled a few weeds, I finally planted my lemon tree in a half barrel, and made so many happy discoveries out there.  I found a green lacewing on one of the last few poppies, I saw that the lavender is almost all blooming now and covered in bees!  I could smell it as I brushed past it and that was heaven.  The cosmos my mom planted was supposed to be short (for borders) but has turned out to be the usual super tall kind which is what I love anyway.  The peas are done but I did some calculations and will post on Stitch and boots a little about the yield I got per square foot.  My daisies (which are one of my favorite flowers) are busting out spectacularly and there are tadpoles in the pond getting bigger!

So much wonderful stuff is tucked into my garden of weeds.  I must harvest and use the chard soon.  I can't believe I haven't harvested it once yet and it's huge and the heat burnt a bunch of the leaves.  Whoops.  It's been delightfully cooler the last few days which I have been so thankful for.  The potatoes are all done growing now so I can let the plants die and leave the potatoes in the ground until I need them. 

There you have it.  So much good the sunshine has brought me!  Such wonderful gifts.  I am going to make myself spend more time out there every day.  I would like to start taming my weed problem before the neighbors report us to the county for neglect.  Oh yes, and one last thing I must say that I'm truly happy about- we have finally arrived at the one month of the year when lawns only grow 2 inches a week instead of 12!  It is a wondrous thing!  Part of it is even dying...but I'm not at all fooled.  I know that the second the rain returns it will green up.

Very soon, now that I am reaching a calmer equilibrium I will be visiting all you, my blog friends, and catching up with what you're all doing.  I have lost touch and I'm very sorry for that.  This month of writing the book feverishly made it impossible to spend any time reading anything.  But I miss you.  And I haven't been the good friend I like to be.  Just know that you are not forgotten, nor despised, but are missed!

Lots of love and hugs-A