Contest Results!

There were no entrants for the men's apron so obviously no one won it. There were eleven entrants in the bib apron contest and one of them has won this apron pictured above. We were originally going to have two or three runners up, but with the contest remaining so small, we decided that everyone who entered and didn't win the apron will receive a pot holder for having participated and hopefully to ameliorate the pain of the worst ever gifts they've received.

The winner is:

Mary Heale! She received a Rubik's cube from her husband. Maybe that wouldn't in itself count as the worst gift ever. But there's more. The same Christmas she received this inappropriate stupid-ass present, her husband bought jewelry for his girlfriend. Which Mary found out about shortly afterwards. Needless to say, Mary divorced the pig. This was a really close contest, but in the end we felt that this present was insulting and hurtful on more than one level.

We noticed a trend in male gift giving. You can almost break it up into convenient categories.

The early on-set of Alzheimer's gift category: This is where men forget to buy a gift at all or somehow bumble the whole gift thing by not following through on half-baked good ideas.

Wende's husband forgot to get presents for her stocking one year and scrambled together the following items: a tangerine (not too bad if you like them and it's a good one), an old pack of gum from their utility drawer (nothing says "I love you" more than six month old gum), and used batteries (because you never know when you'll feel like using batteries that might run out at any moment). The worst part was that he denied he forgot to get her anything and claimed he meant to give her those things all along. Better to own up to it Dude, because if that's really what you meant to give your wife, you might end up in some surprisingly hot water! Luckily, it sounds like she and her husband do love each other (they're still married) and he hasn't lived this moment down. Let it end here, be absolved. We'll send you a pot holder that will cheer up your kitchen.

Capello's husband sometimes forgets to get anything at all. Maybe his head is in the clouds, maybe he's one of those absent minded geniuses, but get with it man! A pot holder will come your way Capello, let it stand in for the last absent gift moment!

Ann once had a boyfriend who gave her an empty jewelry box. Apparently he had planned a great present, but when that didn't happen, he just gave her the empty box it would have come in. Ann, please tell us he didn't wrap the box first! Even though it was a while ago and the boyfriend is long gone, we think you should get a pot holder instead of an empty box.

A rather famous category comes next:

The Homer Simpson Special (buy her a gift you want for yourself):

Merri's husband bought her a base guitar amplifier even though she doesn't play the base guitar. We've met her husband and know he's a nice guy, but hopefully this is the only time he's pulled a Homer!

Gwendolyn's husband bought her a cell phone charger even though she didn't have (and didn't want) a cell phone. Plus he broke the cardinal rule of ignoring a blatant gift request from his woman. Never do that. Seriously. Few things are less sexy than being completely ignored and then given a cell phone charger.

Then there's this well known category:

The practical gift (the gifts that help women to serve their men more efficiently):

Pam once had a boyfriend who gave her a salad spinner. Really, was he trying to say her lettuce was too wet? This is an OK gift to give newly-weds, or a sibling, but it's not OK to give one to your girlfriend unless you've hidden something much prettier inside.

Someone (I will fill in her name when I find her entry which suddenly I've lost) got a Dust Devil from her husband. Nothing says "I'll never leave you for Cameron Diaz" quite like a Dust Devil.

The Obnoxious gift category:

Laurie once received a decorated talking Santa who read "The night before Christmas" over and over and over....if there are kids in the house (you know there are when you get a gift like this) a mercy killing must be performed on the gift in order to avoid the risk of randomly strangling someone.

The surreal category:


Alice had a boyfriend who took her to see Marcel Marceau perform. You know that old saying "Everybody loves a mime"? That's just patently untrue. Some people feel like they might explode with fear when confronted with these very sad twisted human beings. Some people find the whole mime thing nauseating. Mimes suck!

Lastly, a category you may not be aware existed...

The creepy gift category:

Lucille's dad gave her a rubber breast tumor that you hang in the shower so you can squeeze it while you check your own breasts for tumors. Wow. This one would have one the contest hands down if it had been from Lucille's husband and not her dad. Still, it's a doozie!

I will make sure I have every one's addresses and all the prizes will go out by the first week of the new year. Thanks for participating in my contest!

By the way, for any men who might be reading this and feeling slighted or discouraged: it is never too late to learn how to give good gifts!

*for some reason I cannot get the font size to do what I want. I'm very upset about this. But I have no time to try and fix it. I must feed dogs, medicate children, make quiche, and play idiotic board games. Maybe tomorrow I will fix it. If it's fixable.