My hens must be blind

Because they haven't noticed that it's winter. These birds are supposed to be light sensitive, but my girls are continuing to produce a lot of eggs. Lordy Lou! I'm not complaining. It's just curious. I made two quiches the other day with a dozen of them and the quiches didn't turn out very well. Which is surprising because I usually make a pretty damn good one. What a waste of fresh laid winter eggs.

I am working on new pot holders to send out to the contest winners. Be patient, this wasn't even on the list from yesterday. Nor were about ten other things we remembered later in the day. Yet, somehow, it will get done. Because I am tenacious, if nothing else.

I feel the need to offer a little reassurance here. I'm worried about my friends and family being more worried about me than they need to be. (Although it's nice to know how much people care.) The list I posted is very real and about every other day I freak out about how much I have to do, then I get about four hours of crappy sleep and the next day I start all over again with a brand new "Can do" attitude. It takes constant attitude adjustments to get through the monumental tasks we have set for ourselves.

A big part of how I adjust my attitude is by religiously recording my worries, my excitements, our progress, and our plans here on this blog. It's where I empty out all the trash from my brain so that when I get up from this computer I can go do what needs to be done with a clearer head. It's certainly true that it's a part of my commitment to doing all the things that help me maintain my mental health. But it's more than that. Writing not only clears out the brain, it reveals things that are otherwise buried in the unglamorous dark recesses of one's mind. Revelations unfold. Comfort is uncovered. Fears are flushed out and therefore looked at, which deflates their power.

Obviously I spent a lot of time thinking about our business yesterday and wondered how on earth we can find out if we're on the right track before there's no track left and we're left standing at a dead end with empty hands. Sounds dramatic, I know. But that's what most people who start this kind of business must think about at some point or they must be sociopaths, or already be millionaires. Most people who open up stores don't tell everyone what they're thinking every single day, and maybe that's good. Maybe it allows them to believe it was a lot easier than it actually was when they look back in two years from the pile of money they ended up making. I am recording everything. I'd be willing to bet that anyone in our shoes would have just as many ups and downs as we do. And only the very stupid never ask if they're doing things the way they should be doing them, or examine the possible pitfalls they may face. I am not a stupid woman.

So many people have commented on how brave Philip and I are to start this business. I don't really see it that way. It's not as though we had tons of opportunities that we could have taken instead. There was nothing out there for either of us. Who will hire a woman who has been a housewife for the past seven years? Philip worked hard for a company for seven years but because everything in the technology industry is highly specialized, unless he could find a company that used EXACTLY all the same programs he has already used, they won't waste time on him. When we found that first little hole in the wall store six months ago Philip had been unemployed for eleven months. I had been unemployed for seven years. We both applied for work at the local farm store. I got an interview. And it made me very very depressed.

All we had was equity in our house. And an interview at a farm store. A job that wouldn't pay very much. Philip would have to have gotten a similar job and then we would have had to put Max in day care. That's a choice we weren't, and aren't, willing to make. So we had equity we could pull out of our house, and there was a little hole in the wall shop. Plus the fact that we always wanted to have a shop. That wasn't bravery, that was taking the only fucking opportunity there was that was remotely likely to lead to happiness and possible prosperity. I would be amazed to find out that all of you out there who've been keeping up with our progress would have chosen to work at the farm store.

Every other day I freak out. But I'm actually really happy. Haven't I made that clear? I just want to make this work. Because it makes me really happy to be selling cool functional things to people. Designing and making lovely things is like breathing, it's like being my ideal self. I don't know how good I am, or can become at running a store. I won't be able to answer that question for months. But if we're going to make this work we have to examine everything fresh every day. Am I purchasing good products that people here will want? How much of my slow business is because the the Christmas tree is still up five days after Christmas is over, and how much is because we're a new store?

A great sign is that so many people who come in tell me how much they love it. They exclaim over the cute fairy dolls, they are excited to see Ahava products, they laugh about some of the apron prints, and they linger more than they used to. This past month we did quadruple the sales we've done in any other month since we started. But as a new business owner, and completely new at starting my own store, I don't know how to measure success before I'm making enough to do more than pay the store rent, or buy new products (not enough to do both). I have a pretty good idea what the sales were like at some of the other stores and we made a fraction of what they made. Is that because this was our first month in a good location? Will all the people that came in and didn't buy be back next year to purchase from us? Now is when you have to figure this stuff out. I have some control over those questions. I will be going to trade shows this month to buy for the store. If I buy more of what people want around here, I will become successful.

I bet if other new business owners were to record their ups and downs every single day, record their fears honestly, their triumphs, and publish their to do lists, their journals (if you could see them) would look and sound an awful lot like my blog. Every day brings fresh insecurities, fresh worries, or wonderful days where things got done and customers came in to your store empty handed and left with a bag full of stars.

It would be easy to blame a lot of my ups and downs on the fact that I'm mentally ill. I talk about it often enough, it must have occurred to someone to wonder if maybe I'm just looking at things all skewed; if maybe everything wouldn't seem half as scary or raw if I didn't happen to be prone to anxiousness and depression. But oddly enough, you don't have to be mentally ill to go on this kind of roller-coaster road trip. Just start yourself a retail store. You'll see what I mean in no time.

One more thing, most of our family and friends have at one point or another suggested that Philip get a job. As though he doesn't already have one. As though jobs were growing on trees all this time and he was just stubbornly refusing to work. My parents have each in their own way let us know that it's incredibly stupid to suppose we can make this work without one of us having a career.

If Philip gets a career the store will fold. This is his career. This is it. Until the money runs out, we are working our asses off every single day. (Except for when we're relaxing with Lisa and Mark.) One of us spends time with the kid and tries to get things done from the home office, and the other is in the store. Some of you will be relieved to know that Philip is going to try to do some free lance graphic art work, so if you know of any jobs be sure to tell him. But he doesn't have time for a full time job because he already has one.

In spite of all the things that can go wrong, in spite of all my worries and honest assessments of the situation at hand each day that I share out loud on this blog, we have faith in ourselves. As so many Christians have told me: faith is believing in something even when there isn't any proof. (If you don't believe me, watch "Jay Jay the jet plane".)


So anyone keeping up with this blog is basically along for the ride. It won't be smooth. I can promise you that. So break out the Dramamine if you need it, or crack open a few beers, like I do, and see what happens.