The Gentleman's guide to choosing gifts for women

(A guide in several installments)

This festive pin would make a wonderful stocking stuffer for the woman who truly cherishes the winter holidays. It is handmade by Forest Whimsy and you can purchase it in our store or you can try contacting Forest Whimsy directly (there is a link to the website on this blog.)

The Gentleman's guide to choosing gifts for women

(A guide in several installments)

Around here at Dustpan Alley we do not engage in man-bashing, partly because there are men here, and also because it's not a particularly productive past time. So when we point out that men are generally terrible at shopping for gifts, let it be understood that we mean it in the best possible way and are here to help.

Before a gentleman can be assisted in shopping for gifts for any woman in his life, it's important for him to understand how come he's supposed to give a rat's ass. Many men have the bitter attitude that giving gifts is just a way to give our heinous consumer economy a boost every year like a great big line of speed. Some suspect that it's just a huge ploy for women to suck the blood and bones right out of their men. (If you are such a man, we suggest you get over yourself immediately.) While it cannot be argued that Christmas is largely a commercial holiday, if you don't participate, you will be viewed by everyone as a jerk.

To get yourself in the proper frame of mind you need to realize that giving gifts is a lot more important than an attempt to rob the family income of every inch of savings potential. The exchanging of gifts is an important, symbolic, reciprocal activity that humans have been engaging in probably since they started standing upright and hunting with tools. It serves a few important functions: it inspires mutual good will between individuals, it develops a reciprocal relationship between families which means your chance of survival is greater in times of peril, it helps to provide people with things they don't have and will need, and it also is symbolic of your close attachment to those you love. This has been going on long before Walmart needed to boost it's fiscal report before filing income reports in January.

You can remain cynical if you want. It's really your choice if you want to experience your spouse sucking the light right out of your life once again because you gave her tire patches for her car when what she told you she wanted fifteen times was the new book by Elizabeth George. There's nothing we can do to stop you. We might think you're stupid, but we won't tell you that to your face.

If you're smart, you'll take a few tips from us on how to choose a gift your spouse will love. Which may inspire a thaw in unexpected areas of your life together. (Giving good gifts can come with many surprising side benefits.)

The single best way to figure out what your woman wants is to ask her. We realize that may seem a little bit like asking for directions, but it's a no-brainer. It won't make you seem less manly in anyone's eyes. It will more likely make you appear to be smarter. Like wearing glasses. Get your pen out and take notes. Too direct for you? OK, try this: ask her to make a list for you. Ask her to include a range of items including several different price brackets. Ask her to put on the list both small and large items so that you'll have some choices for stuffing her stocking. (You know you want to.) The list she gives you should have at least twenty options on it.

We realize there may be some women out there who won't think this approach is particularly romantic, but they can't always have it both ways. If you are ambitious and would like to learn how to pick out great gift for your woman without her help at all, we will cover the next step in the following chapter: figuring out what kind of woman you're married to. An essential key to knowing what gifts will please her.

Before we get to the next chapter, here are a few general tips to study:

1. Listen for obvious clues: Women generally drop about five hundred unsubtle gift clues for their men-folk throughout the year. Most men make the mistake of not listening when their Myrtle says "Honey, you know that new book out by Elizabeth George that I was telling you about? Third Street Books just got them in. I sure would love a copy of that book." That's what an unsubtle clue sounds like; study it and listen for it when your Nancy starts dropping clues of her own.

2. Observe your woman more closely: Even when Nancy isn't trying to clobber you with clues, she's giving them all the time unintentionally. We'll help you sort through the details later, but just pay attention. Does she get more excited in the shoe store than in the hardware store? Does she try to drag you to the garden store every damn week-end? These are big clues as to where you should be shopping for her.

3. Ask her closest friends for help: It might seem really strange to consult her friends, like having an illicit conference, but don't worry, she'll understand. Call up her closest girlfriend because she'll probably be happy to give you a whole list of great gift ideas. We actually know someone here at Dustpan Alley who used to be the worst gift giver EVER who decided one year to consult his wife's close friend on how to purchase a gift he knew she wanted but that he didn't know how to buy. It floored his woman when she got what she wanted more than anything else, and created quite a thaw in their previously frosty holiday relations.

4. Never underestimate the value of a gift certificate: The rule of thumb here is- don't give her a gift certificate to the Footlocker if you can't swear on your blue balls that she's a die-hard sports fan. A gift certificate can be given inside a lovely card, and you'll get bonus points if you write her a personal little note and if the certificate isn't for five dollars for a store where everything costs at least sixty.

5. Ask for a list (and then stick to it): This is the fool proof method, highly recommended by us. You can't go wrong with this one unless you are a complete numbskull, which we're confident you're not. If you get a list: follow it. Once you have that list it is imperative that you don't buy anything that isn't on the list, this will sink you beneath all respect. This will sink you, period.