Confessions of a Toothpaste Addict

Normally I don't show anyone my toothbrush. A toothbrush is a very private item. Like a bra. Mine needs replacing now and I don't dare tell you how often I replace my toothbrushes because then I will be forced into a life of hangdog shame. Clearly none of you use very much toothpaste.

This is how much toothpaste I use every time I brush my teeth which is twice a day. Once in the morning IMMEDIATELY upon rising. Before coffee. The idea of coffee on top of morning breath makes me want to pass out with disgust. Don't tell me if you drink your coffee first. Please don't tell me because you can tell me almost anything but that.

Here's an ever so slightly different view. In case you didn't believe the first one. This is exactly how much toothpaste I use. EVERY. TIME. I. BRUSH.

But I know how photography can fool the eye and I want you to know how much toothpaste I use so that we will be sure to understand each other. This is very important for me. I feel like I'm having that argument with my old boyfriend over the meaning of monogamy. Are you sure that what you think is "a lot" of toothpaste is really a lot? See, I think this is just average. Half this amount would constitute a dismally inadequate amount, but more would be too much ("a lot").

You still think I'm a toothpaste addict. I can sense it.

I can see that I'm going to have to come to terms with you and your wrongness.

I'm going to pretend I don't know that you think I use an excessive amount of toothpaste for the moment and attend to a little meme that my friend Angeleen doesn't think I'll participate in. However, I will not tag anyone else because I don't believe in chain letters. The trail stops here. I love it when people post random things about themselves. I always learn something and often I learn something that someone wouldn't have otherwise told me because it's rare that someone says "Hey, want to know something totally random about me?" for fear of being thought egocentric. I'm nosy, let it be understood that I want to know EVERYTHING random about you.

Here are six random things about me just for Angeleen:

My babyhood best friend with whom I lived in The One World Family Commune in Berkeley until I was five years old was molested by one of the members of the commune. I didn't find this out until I was an adult and reconnecting with some of the commune members. His life was dramatically altered by this molestation and I still feel rage that all the adults were so careless of who they let into their little cult of drugs and sexual gratification that I almost want to vomit every time some young idealistic person asks me if I don't think it would be great if we all lived more "communally"? I'm told that I wasn't a victim of this molester but I have always felt a tremendous darkness about that time in my early life and in fact have only one actual memory of it. I have only visceral gut reactions in place of memory.

When I was a teenager I was so uncomfortable with myself and being female that I wished I was a boy. I was absolutely 100% unhappy to have breasts (in spite of the fact that they have always been quite small anyway) and would just about die every time my mom would take me bra shopping. Or talk about bras. Or when my friends would talk about bras or breasts or periods or hoo-has. This may have been partially brought on by being mistaken for a boy in the girls' locker room when I was thirteen which was mortifying. Or possibly because my dad so desperately wanted at least one sports-fan for a child that I felt it would be a lot better if I was just a boy. Or it might be because boys thought I was scum.

I have an incredibly low sex drive which is a constant point of chagrin, shame, dishonor, and irritation to me. I realize it's not my fault but that doesn't comfort my spouse during long dry spells. This is something I mention no more than glibly and in passing (infrequently) because I don't really want to find out that everyone else is always in the mood. That would just make me want to say "fuck you!" which isn't nice. If I didn't have a spouse I loved so much I wouldn't care at all that I have a low sex drive.

Sometimes I feel like an electric ball spazzing, fitzing, and spluttering through the world dropping sparks everywhere like neon dandruff. I feel like I'm going to explode with energy and I want to rip my chest open to let out some of the pressure and heat which is in extreme contrast to all the times I feel like a grain of dirt buried deep underneath a rock during the freeze of winter in Minnesota.

I can remember the exact moment at the age of thirteen when I realized that I was a person full of rage and the following moment when I pressed it deeper and deepest into myself so that I could ignore it until eventually it rose to my throat where it is still waiting to be expressed.

Getting older has freed me from feeling guilty about never eating my pizza crust. I also don't feel guilty about not eating the rind of Camembert cheese or the bitter spines of romaine lettuce. I see this kind of guilt as a waste of time and I am already so fat that I really think that any calories I consume should either be giving me nutrients or pleasure, hopefully both.

Now I want to mention a word that I really am quite tired of lately:

yummy - I remember when this word came back into fashion with the over five year old crowd, it was not a good day, though I have resorted to it myself. It's time to shelve it for a while.

Some alternatives to "yummy":

delicious, tasty, heavenly, gastro-turbo!*, piquant, succulent, deeply satisfying, delightful, very pleasing, appealing, delectable. Even plain old "yum" would be good.

Can we work on using some of these in place of yummy?

I have a lot to say politically but I've just been letting it all sink in and have been grinning and feeling proud.

But about that toothpaste. I've shown you mine, now I want to see yours.

Show me your toothpaste usage.

Show me.

*I just made this up. I want to put it on a T-shirt. I should probably trademark it first.

D U S T P A N A L L E Y

F A V O R I T E B L O G S

V I S I T M Y E T S Y S H O P

Confessions of a Toothpaste Addict

Comments (14)