How to be a happy housewife
Choosing a spouse
The single most important tool you'll need to become a happy housewife is an appropriate spouse. You can love a man, but if he doesn't want you to be a housewife, you won't be a happy one. For example: you may find yourself married to one of the top five richest men in America and are thinking how great it will be to be able to afford to stay home and rock his world Betty Crocker style...but hold on! He may actually expect you to hire maids to do all your work and become a crabby withered socialite who spends all her time chairing benefits rather than canning prize winning jam. It can be very tricky choosing a partner, therefore, I will list for you a few types of men who aren't likely to be of use to the woman who wants to take the apron, so that you may avoid them.
The Crack addict: he is at his best when actually on crack, which costs a lot of money. If he has a great job and can support both you and his habit, that is wonderful. But be warned! Chances are that at some point his personality is going to greatly deteriorate and if you're late putting dinner on the table when he is not properly drugged, the consequences may be physically painful. The crack addict is not known for his appreciation of the domestic arts and actually may be absent quite a bit due to his tendency to lurk around the inside of jail cells. If you just can't live without him, perhaps you would do better to consider a profession more complimentary to this man's needs such as a slumlord, or a drug manufacturer.
The Misogynist: you might think it's obvious that this man is a poor choice for the aspiring housewife, but it's amazing how many women fall for his dubious charms. This one hates women which is a characteristic many women believe they can change once he realizes how fabulous they are. Do not be fooled! This guy has problems with women that a good woman can't solve. If you like being put down, under appreciated, beat up, and probably cheated on, then by all mean take this guy on. Just note that instead of learning to cook chocolate souffles it is much more likely that you will become a frequent victim of infomericals which promise the happiness and self confidence that the misogynist isn't capable of delivering.
The Lay-about: this one doesn't actually have any ambition at all to go out there and make money. He is much more likely to urge you to establish yourself in a profession that will allow him to sit on the couch all day watching wrestling matches while eating all manner of mini foods that lend themselves greatly to his girth. This one is not a good candidate because even if you manage to stay home (by being on welfare or inheriting a living from a spinster Aunt) he rarely removes himself from the house. He won't be impressed by food without trade marks and he will like you better in a leather bustier than in an apron. In the end you'll feel like a mom living with a man-child which is about as sexy as stale chips stuck to your ass.
The Bigamist: most women wouldn't willingly marry a bigamist (unless they're Mormon, of course) which is why most bigamists feel compelled to lie about their marital status. (It's also against the law.) So if you don't want to choose the "concubine" lifestyle, which is a valid (if somewhat creepy) choice, steer clear of this one. How do you know if you are dating a bigamist? Long absences are a clue. If he's a traveling salesman you may wish to insist on traveling with him and if he turns any pale shade of grey it's recommended that you investigate further. If he has almost no friends or connections in your community you should be suspicious because even if he isn't a bigamist he might be antisocial which is also a disadvantage in this profession and also could indicate a deeper darker problem such as a tendency to kill people.
I realize that once these four specimens are marked off the potential spouse list the pickings might seem spectacularly slim, but take heart! A man need not be a paragon of virtue to be an appropriate spouse. In fact, paragons of virtue are usually mind numbingly boring, and also big fat liars. So what is the profile of the man most likely to promote and support your pursuit of the domestic arts?
The Appropriate Spouse: this guy might have any profession (aside from those mentioned above). He makes at least enough money that you can afford to stay home. (Anything beyond that is nice, but not necessary.) He is old fashioned enough to recognize that a woman in the home could add greatly to his comfort and be a tremendous boost to his quality of life. He is modern enough to know that if he takes his woman for granted she has the confidence to
Labels: domestic arts, happy housewife, spouses