I Wanna Level With You

I think it's time to offer up a little primer on the nature of this blog and who I am. I like to say about myself that I'm a full disclosure gal, and compared to most other people this is true. I'm afraid though, that people are all too willing to believe that I tell my whole story right here. That I spill the entire contents of my heart, soul, and mind for public viewing right on this page.

If I did that, there would be nothing left of me for myself. I share what I want to share and keep a whole lot to myself. However, this can complicate things, this little web of misdirection. And I feel it's time to come clean over a few very important points:

• In spite of the fact that I do really hate my body right now and share my struggles with that issue here on my blog, and in spite of the fact that I refer to myself as "insecure" and compare myself unfavorably to other people at times, I have quite a healthy self esteem. I'm human, I have my bad days, I have my childish moments, but I actually wouldn't want to be anyone else. There isn't a single other person I would rather be because I've spent 37 years already dealing with my own issues, why would I take on anyone else's? Plus, I like who I have become. So don't assume that my self deprecation is rooted in real self loathing. If I was truly loathing myself I would probably not be making fun of myself as often. If I was really deeply troubled about myself I probably would not tell you.

• I've been there already in that very special hell and it isn't a chatty place.

• I have a philosophy in life that is hopeful, though practical. It is important to my mental health to invest in a positive outlook, to see the world as fresh as I can every day. I ask questions, I investigate, I judge, and re-judge all the time. This outlook has tended to mislead people into thinking I'm naive and inexperienced. This is a mistake. This somewhat youthful exuberance I encourage in myself has sometimes led to people feel the need to protect my gentle fragile soul from harm, to offer non-stop guidance and surrogate parenting. I think it's wise for people not to do this. If you feel this way about me, you should keep it mostly to yourself. I've been parenting myself for most of my life and I consider myself quite adequate. I know I appear more vulnerable than I actually am in writing because in writing I am directing the show.

• In the real world I have cut people out of my life completely for sucking my energy dry and spreading negativity over my heart and head. I don't suffer fools indefinitely, though I like to give most people a chance. But you might not see the ax coming because I don't enjoy wielding painful weapons. I am a very strong individual with an incredibly clear sense of what is right for me and the willingness to insist that I live in a healthy environment surrounded by positive people.

• I am accustomed to giving advice, not asking for it. Though I do enjoy hearing other people's own take on things as it relates to themselves as this offers valuable perspective and a nice feeling of being amongst kin.

• It isn't wise to take me literally all the time. When I say I "hate" someone for being beautiful or talented, I actually almost never hate them. Usually the truth is that I genuinely admire them. But it's more fun to hate someone beautiful than to be skulking in their shadow like a weaker acolyte. The reality in my heart is that there are no people I envy enough to dislike just because they have what I think I want. My envy, when it happens, is extraordinarily benign. But I do like to have fun with it in my writing.

• I keep a lot more secrets than most people imagine possible. Being a full disclosure gal is the perfect way to camouflage the truth. If I tell you almost everything, you will soon believe I have held nothing back. It isn't fair, perhaps, to play people like that, but it is self protective. This should give you a clue as to the true sophistication of my mind. I am not naive at all, as it happens. But a lot of other people are.

This is much to chew on. I use this blog as a daily journal. I chronicle my life, my thoughts, my ever expanding interests, and also let off steam. I let off a lot of steam here. This is merely a little capsule. When a morning is bad and it gets me thinking of very dark issues, as I did yesterday morning, it is still just one morning. Life doesn't fall apart because a family has a fight. Life isn't capsizing just because everyone in it needs therapy. But it can sound like it when you read the immediate thoughts, the immediate emotions belonging to a person reporting their raw ever evolving thoughts.

I'm telling stories here. Mine. And enjoying the interaction this medium allows. But don't, for god's sake, make the mistake of underestimating my ability to steer this boat past shoals. I was born to be a Captain.