Happy Isn't Just A Mood
Twice, as a parting shot from people exiting my life, I have heard "I'm sorry you're such an unhappy person..." and: "I hope you find the medications to make you better..." Coming from people who don't like you it has a very patronizing ring. Neither of the times I have heard this parting shot has it made me feel hurt or angry or small. But both times it has struck me as being such a ridiculous thing to say that I find myself thinking about in odd moments. It's such a weird thing to say to someone with Major Depressive Disorder. On the one hand it seems obvious that if I suffer from depression I must be unhappy all the time. On the other hand, it fails to observe the details, the different kinds of happiness a person can feel. 
Having clinical depression certainly means I easily tailspin into very dark spaces. However, those tailspins most often have nothing to do with the general state of my life or my real state of mind. It's something chemical that my brain does that I have no control over. It may seem shocking to a lot of people but I consider myself a pretty happy person. A pretty happy person who suffers from clinical depression. I don't think I look at happiness the way some people do nor do I have the same expectations of it that many have. For me the physical sensation of happiness (like being spazzy and giddy with excitement over things) happens frequently and I think it's pretty obvious because I am incapable of holding it in. That's the real me, it's who I really am. The one who jumps up and down because a friend just found a free source of grapes...the one who can't stop talking about writing when she's having a breakthrough because the rush of excitement is overwhelming, the one who grabs the camera when her son finds a preying mantis in the kitchen and feels like he just dug up a rough diamond from the linoleum.
Sometimes I wonder if I don't have clinical depression just to temper the excitement I tend to feel over all the little wonderful treats life delivers. Mostly I don't believe in shit like that- I was just made this way. So in between these frequent genuine bursts of happiness I get sunk. My energy plummets and I need to rest a lot in a bit of a cocoon state. All of this is obviously greatly equalized by the medications I take and now that I'm back on anti-depressants I am feeling less inertia and I feel a little more even in my moods. I'm also feeling a little more patient with my guys.
But that only addresses MOOD. Moods are variable in everyone. A really happy person is, in my opinion, a person who is not necessarily happy in the moment all-the-cotton-flingin'-time, but someone who is happy with their life, their lot, their friends, their work, and themselves in general. That is the only way I think a person can reliably describe their state of being.
On that score? I am a very happy person lately. Before I got my job was a really hard time, (which many of you probably remember cause those were some awful knuckle dragging times). I don't just mean "really hard" in the sense of being desperate for something to pay the bills with, but just- everything felt so precarious, so fragile, and so impossible. For several months I was pretty deep in the trenches of not only the usual bouts of depression (the kind you get because you're brain isn't producing enough of the right chemicals), but also the rational kind of depression which I don't experience very often. It's what normal people experience when something bad happens in their lives.
Do you get the difference?
It's been quite a few months now that my life has felt like it's reached this comfortable stride. I feel a lot of optimism in a general way. I felt good back when we first moved here. And then through our store adventure. And then things started getting rough. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that we've had some really tough times in the past few years but whenever we push through them I come out a happier person than I was before.
What is contributing to my happiness right now?
I think that's enough for now. There are a million smaller happy things too. I don't want to overwhelm you all with this much happy.
Tomorrow I may wake up feeling low, listless, and sad...but that's just my brain hiccuping, it isn't my whole state of being.
But that only addresses MOOD. Moods are variable in everyone. A really happy person is, in my opinion, a person who is not necessarily happy in the moment all-the-cotton-flingin'-time, but someone who is happy with their life, their lot, their friends, their work, and themselves in general. That is the only way I think a person can reliably describe their state of being.
On that score? I am a very happy person lately. Before I got my job was a really hard time, (which many of you probably remember cause those were some awful knuckle dragging times). I don't just mean "really hard" in the sense of being desperate for something to pay the bills with, but just- everything felt so precarious, so fragile, and so impossible. For several months I was pretty deep in the trenches of not only the usual bouts of depression (the kind you get because you're brain isn't producing enough of the right chemicals), but also the rational kind of depression which I don't experience very often. It's what normal people experience when something bad happens in their lives.
Do you get the difference?
It's been quite a few months now that my life has felt like it's reached this comfortable stride. I feel a lot of optimism in a general way. I felt good back when we first moved here. And then through our store adventure. And then things started getting rough. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that we've had some really tough times in the past few years but whenever we push through them I come out a happier person than I was before.
What is contributing to my happiness right now?
- I love my house. It's super funky and there's so much to do before it actually looks as good as it feels, but I am happy to wake up in it every morning and miss it when I'm gone. (The last house really added to my depression).
- Getting Max an official diagnosis and therapy. He really needs the support and so do we. It felt so good to finally take that step last winter.
- That Philip loves me no matter what my size is. This is not something I take for granted. I am so lucky I have Philip and I appreciate him every day we're together. Even when he's driving me up the wall. I wouldn't trade him in for Rob Pattinson, that says everything right there.
- I have a job I really like and that pays our mortgage. I'm lucky that Laura recruited me for that.
- My good friends. I have many many good friends and even though the majority of them live 600 miles away from me, I have made some very good friends here too. Not fitting in with some of the ones I'd made early on contributed a great deal to my feeling lonely here. But there's no one leaving me out now. I'm not feeling at all lonely any more.*
- I have lots of room in my yard to grow food and flowers and herbs and it will take me a long time to use all of its potential. That makes me continually happy and thankful.
- I have pet harmony in my life now. Back when we were still in the other house, shortly before we found this one, Ozark was on his last legs and tormenting the dog all day long. It was so stressful! The two babies we adopted (Penny and Pippa) love Chick and Chick loves them. It's wonderful to be sitting on my bed with Philip, Max, Penny, Pippa, and Chick...very tight squeeze but so wonderful!
- No outstanding debts besides the mortgage. Total fresh start. And crappy credit for the first time in my credit earning life. I just can't care about that.
I think that's enough for now. There are a million smaller happy things too. I don't want to overwhelm you all with this much happy.
Tomorrow I may wake up feeling low, listless, and sad...but that's just my brain hiccuping, it isn't my whole state of being.
*Ah, well, not in a social way...loneliness is like happiness and has different levels and can have different causes as well. Depression often makes the people who have it feel irrationally lonely.