Hotter Than Hades
The garden is kicking out fistfuls of beans, a sprinkling of tomatoes, and pickling cucumbers.
Incidentally- some kind soul sent me a copy of Novella Carpenter's book "The Education Of A City Farmer" from Powell's- THANK YOU!!!!! Such a sweet and thoughtful gift and so appreciated.
It is hot today. It's been hot all week. It's hotter than hades.
I love the word "hades".
It's truly deeply horrid.
I also love the word "horrid".
It's going to be in the triple digits for the next few days and I don't know how I'm going to make it through. Right now I'm sweating like crazy. Until I got fat I didn't sweat too much. Now it's incessant and I hate it.
It is a very good thing I am going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I am completely undone. My friend Chelsea had to remind me that the getting fatter, rather than losing weight, probably has a lot to do with having stopped taking my antidepressants a year and a half ago (which help me make better choices, have more energy, and self discipline) but also having doubled my Paxil which she says is known to put the pounds on people. I didn't realize that.
It makes sense.
My self hatred has not been this bad for a very long time. It's hard to remember that this is one of the things that the antidepressants really help with. It is amazing how when I take them the old voices, the old self harming records stop playing, or at the very least recede so that I can be more positive and give myself more support.
I was so discouraged that I spent most of June working out, drinking less, and snacking less too and I not only didn't lose weight, I am now larger than I was in June. This feels like total and complete madness. I look pregnant right now (which I think is quite ironic). This seemingly unstoppable train of weight gain is making me panic on a very deep level- shaking me to my core- that I can do something like exercise and not have a corresponding response in my body is nonstandard. I don't have a thyroid problem. I was tested for that a year and a half ago. I am terribly worried that I'm going to never stop getting bigger and that I will be completely buried under this hideous fat. I already feel buried under it.
So- tomorrow at 11am I get the help of a psychiatrist to help me back to the point where I don't hate myself so thoroughly. I literally want to vomit when I have to look down and see this huge protruding belly. This is not me. This is not who I'm supposed to be. What the hell went wrong?
For today- I must simply suffer this dreadful heat. Max and I will practice our Kung Fu moves and then I work this afternoon.
At times like this I kind of wish I had AC.
How are all of you doing today?
I'm going to go take a cold shower and lay for a few minutes under the stirred air of the fan.
Incidentally- some kind soul sent me a copy of Novella Carpenter's book "The Education Of A City Farmer" from Powell's- THANK YOU!!!!! Such a sweet and thoughtful gift and so appreciated.
It is hot today. It's been hot all week. It's hotter than hades.
I love the word "hades".
It's truly deeply horrid.
I also love the word "horrid".
It's going to be in the triple digits for the next few days and I don't know how I'm going to make it through. Right now I'm sweating like crazy. Until I got fat I didn't sweat too much. Now it's incessant and I hate it.
It is a very good thing I am going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I am completely undone. My friend Chelsea had to remind me that the getting fatter, rather than losing weight, probably has a lot to do with having stopped taking my antidepressants a year and a half ago (which help me make better choices, have more energy, and self discipline) but also having doubled my Paxil which she says is known to put the pounds on people. I didn't realize that.
It makes sense.
My self hatred has not been this bad for a very long time. It's hard to remember that this is one of the things that the antidepressants really help with. It is amazing how when I take them the old voices, the old self harming records stop playing, or at the very least recede so that I can be more positive and give myself more support.
I was so discouraged that I spent most of June working out, drinking less, and snacking less too and I not only didn't lose weight, I am now larger than I was in June. This feels like total and complete madness. I look pregnant right now (which I think is quite ironic). This seemingly unstoppable train of weight gain is making me panic on a very deep level- shaking me to my core- that I can do something like exercise and not have a corresponding response in my body is nonstandard. I don't have a thyroid problem. I was tested for that a year and a half ago. I am terribly worried that I'm going to never stop getting bigger and that I will be completely buried under this hideous fat. I already feel buried under it.
So- tomorrow at 11am I get the help of a psychiatrist to help me back to the point where I don't hate myself so thoroughly. I literally want to vomit when I have to look down and see this huge protruding belly. This is not me. This is not who I'm supposed to be. What the hell went wrong?
For today- I must simply suffer this dreadful heat. Max and I will practice our Kung Fu moves and then I work this afternoon.
At times like this I kind of wish I had AC.
How are all of you doing today?
I'm going to go take a cold shower and lay for a few minutes under the stirred air of the fan.
Comments (12)
I don't know if Paxil is working well for your anxiety, but I wanted to suggest that you ask the psych about Lexapro. It is awesome.
Posted by Jade | July 27, 2009 10:34 AM
Posted on July 27, 2009 10:34
Unfortunately I didn't think about this at first but, it might be prohibitively expensive, as it is already expensive with insurance.
Posted by Jade | July 27, 2009 10:35 AM
Posted on July 27, 2009 10:35
I will ask the psyche about it- is there no generic version yet? Does it not make you gain weight? Works really well? Man, I need meds that really work well.
The Paxil works really well and I didn't gain weight with it on the smallest dose and when I was still on Welbutrin, but the welbutrin really helped with my energy level so I was able to be more disciplined about being active- that makes a huge difference. Plus it made it so much easier to only drink moderately which keeps the weight down too. But the last psyche took me off of it because my anxiety had increased so much and then we doubled the Paxil dose.
Hopefully I'll get this all sorted out over the next few months and meanwhile I'll be taking Kung Fu so at least I'll be getting good exercise. Even if I don't lose any weight for a while. Just, please-please-please let me not get any bigger first!!!!!
Posted by angelina | July 27, 2009 11:20 AM
Posted on July 27, 2009 11:20
We always use a bucket of cool water when we're sitting anywhere in the heat. Put one foot in the water while you're hanging out. It makes a huge difference in comfort levels. My family and I have suffered from some of the problems you and yours have had. I don't know how much therapy/meds cost, but I know for us, acupuncture has cured us of our problems, which are/were as severe as what you are suffering with. It seems so expensive at first, but you don't have to do it forever. I think a year for each of you (I'm not an expert) would probably do it. Just a thought or two. Plus, there aren't those horrible side effects.
Posted by Ann | July 27, 2009 12:59 PM
Posted on July 27, 2009 12:59
No AC for me as well. Yuck. I'm losing my mind over the shear amount of crap we have. I want to blame my partner but I know that's not right. There are times I just can't be methodical about this and I just get to the point of boiling over. The summer heat only exacerbates this.
The cold bucket of water does help. We sometimes crush up mint leaves for ours. Good luck with your Kung Fu. It seems like it's a toe in the right direction. At least you'll be getting more oxygen when you focus on the breathing.
Posted by taj | July 27, 2009 1:45 PM
Posted on July 27, 2009 13:45
I hope for you that your Dr visit will help with sorting out the meds issues - the Kung Fu classes sound like such a good thing for you and your family.
There is no AC here at Acorn Cottage, and no insulation in the walls - it gets really hot. Right now it is 96 degrees in the deep shade outside the front door. I close the house up in the heat of day, with drawn curtains and mylar bubblepack on the windows that are in the sun, and open the windows in the evening and early AM when I am awake, and put a window box fan in one to pull the cooler air inside.
During the day I move the fan with me from room to room, and drape a wet gauzey shawl around my shoulders. Periodically , I lean over the kitchen sink and pour cold water on my head, or tie a wet bandanna as a kerchief. I look totally ridiculous but I don't care, it is better than getting heat-sick.
I tried the old camping trick with the foot/feet in cold water, but clumsily ended up knocking the water over, all across my carpeted living room floor! Fortunately the water was clean, with only "foot cooties" in it, I was able to mop up most of it, and it was dry by the next morning
Posted by alison | July 27, 2009 7:53 PM
Posted on July 27, 2009 19:53
Ann- I've enjoyed putting my feet in cold water in the heat before and it's totally convenient because I also need to pumice my feet and make them look prettier for my trip.
Taj- thank you for your encouragement and mint is supposed to be great for feet- that sounds very cooling! Just read your FB comment that you shaved your head- now that has got to be a lot cooler, right? Such a sweet lady you are to have done that for solidarity with a client! I salute you my friend!
Alison- I'm thinking your damp shawl sounds perfect just about now! I don't know if it's going to cool off enough to pull cool air in in the morning, but I used to do that and I don't know why I have forgotten to do that! Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by angelina | July 28, 2009 12:09 AM
Posted on July 28, 2009 00:09
Oy, the heat sounds just awful. We have central AC and I use it if the humidity gets too high so I can breathe... or if the heat gets up in the high 80s+, which it's only done 3 days so far this year.
I'm glad to hear of your appointment. I really hope it helps and that you are free of the grip of self-loathing again. You deserve to feel good about yourself and to feel good in your body.
I'm doing a cleanse/fast and after just one day woke up feeling energetic. I know the healing crisis is right around the corner, but for today, I'll take feeling good in my body. I look pregnant too and have had quite a few people ask me when I'm due. I'm done and really need to change it.
keep on keeping on sweets! xoxoxo
Posted by Kelly | July 28, 2009 5:21 AM
Posted on July 28, 2009 05:21
Have you tried Effexor? works much better for me than Paxil. Fewer side effects. not sure about cost, but I think its about the same as paxil. of course what works for me may not work for you.
Posted by Diane | July 28, 2009 6:41 AM
Posted on July 28, 2009 06:41
The last time my psych.office called to confirm my appt. I almost said "I can't wait." What I meant was more that I got to get out alone for awhile. Good luck with your appt.! I find if I don't move around in the heat very much it helps. If there's anything you think you need to do in the heat I say wait, there will be enough time in cooler temps!
Posted by amy | July 28, 2009 7:53 AM
Posted on July 28, 2009 07:53
Angelina,
there is no generic of Lexapro (escitalopram) available. it is the S-isomer of the drug citalopram, and the good news is that Celexa (citalopram) does have a generic because the patent expired in 2003.
Wikipedia cites that escitalopram is
clinically superior to a variety of other SSRIs, such as Paxil. "A head-to-head comparison of escitalopram with duloxetine (Cymbalta) found escitalopram to be both more tolerable and more effective. Compared with venlafaxine (Effexor) and sertraline escitalopram was shown to have similar efficacy." Effexor can be very effective, but in my opinion, the side effects and withdrawal symptoms are pure hell (I have seen it personally). *shudders*
Posted by Jade | July 29, 2009 8:06 AM
Posted on July 29, 2009 08:06
Excellent job.
Posted by Get Flat Abs Blog | April 29, 2010 11:22 PM
Posted on April 29, 2010 23:22