We are the life of the party, every single time.
Back when I didn't have the plague was pretty nice.
I was going to start going down this really bitter one car highway but that's not really what I'm thinking of.
I think one of the weirdest and meanest things I have ever inspired in anyone is the thought that they would not have any mentally ill friends again after being friends with me and that they didn't really want their children to be around such people.
Like me.
Because I am such a bad influence on all the children I meet.*
I had been thinking about that this week. Since reading those words, I have wanted desperately to apologize to the rest of my tribe for having given us some bad PR when all I have wanted for years now was to bring our situation into the light and show that even though we are sometimes not able to function smoothly in the world; with help- many of us are. We have gifts that the rest of the world needs. I feel this strongly and it's difficult to articulate these thoughts without sounding like a complete moron.**
You win some, you lose some. The thing is, I know our collective worth and I also know how many people in our population are afflicted to some degree with mental illness and you'd have to station yourself on a deserted island to prevent yourself and your children from close encounters with our kind.
Visionaries, artists, poets, novelists, scientists, sports stars, musicians, daredevils, adventurists, philosophers...everywhere you place your admiration and your examples of the finest accomplishments you will be admiring people who belong to my tribe. I'm proud of that.
So it isn't a bitter road at all, just full of pot holes. (Not marijuana holes.) Ruts in the dust that lead to the finest moments life has to offer. The world without the mentally ill would be colorless, too quiet, ordinary, lacking in magic, song, art, progress, civilization, and the expression of empathy accessible through culture.
Some people who are mentally ill are dangerous. Some of them need confinement. Maybe some of them even need death.*** Most of them are not dangerous and aren't bad people. At least not because of their mental illness.
I've had this on my mind for a couple of weeks: It is shocking to me to hear someone use my mental illness as a reason to be glad not to have me in their life, because one thing I never do (because my mental illness, though serious, gives me the luxury...) is take refuge behind my mental disabilities. If it makes me emotionally impulsive I always take responsibility for my actions and never say "I couldn't help it, I'm mentally ill." nor do I let it give me any kind of slack that other people don't give themselves. I work so hard at that. I don't think any friendship of mine has ever been truly guided and influenced by my mental illness.
I work tirelessly at it.
I also medicate myself because before I was medicated I had a much harder time keeping my moods in check. I can keep much of the darkness to myself. Which I don't choose to do on this blog but in my everyday life I do keep it much quieter.
If I didn't go around telling everyone I met that I'm mentally ill, the majority of them would never know. People used to call me "moody" and "quirky" but no one ever said they wouldn't be friends with other mentally ill people after being friends with me. The price I pay for turning the headlights on myself.
I think in the end it's worth it. For all of us.
So I lost one. Or maybe two, along the way.
But those people don't see the truth, the real picture, and the fact that they are already surrounded by mentally ill people. We are the life of the party, every single time.
So tonight, I say to all my kindred spirits- forgive me, please. Think of it as one step back and know that there are many steps forward to come. As we all talk more openly and celebrate the good when it comes to us, and the gifts, and the brilliance, others will too.
Everyone knows about our darkness, let's show them the other side at every chance we can.
Hang in there my people. There's a lot of collective brilliance in us to share.
If you need a little sliver of my spirit, I will share it with you.
Just ask.
*This is a lie. I actually tend to get along very well with most children even though I don't want more than one of my own and I don't like to be around large groups of children because large groups of children freak me out. But taken in small numbers I find it easy to develop good repore with them and to earn their trust as the adult who doesn't lie to them and who treats them like actual people as opposed to little underdeveloped ideals of the people that spawned them.
*Is this an offensive word to any particular group of people? The walls around word usage are closing in every day.
***Unfortunately the Ted Bundys of this world are also members of my tribe and these ones I'm not proud of. But they are an extreme minority.
I was going to start going down this really bitter one car highway but that's not really what I'm thinking of.
I think one of the weirdest and meanest things I have ever inspired in anyone is the thought that they would not have any mentally ill friends again after being friends with me and that they didn't really want their children to be around such people.
Like me.
Because I am such a bad influence on all the children I meet.*
I had been thinking about that this week. Since reading those words, I have wanted desperately to apologize to the rest of my tribe for having given us some bad PR when all I have wanted for years now was to bring our situation into the light and show that even though we are sometimes not able to function smoothly in the world; with help- many of us are. We have gifts that the rest of the world needs. I feel this strongly and it's difficult to articulate these thoughts without sounding like a complete moron.**
You win some, you lose some. The thing is, I know our collective worth and I also know how many people in our population are afflicted to some degree with mental illness and you'd have to station yourself on a deserted island to prevent yourself and your children from close encounters with our kind.
Visionaries, artists, poets, novelists, scientists, sports stars, musicians, daredevils, adventurists, philosophers...everywhere you place your admiration and your examples of the finest accomplishments you will be admiring people who belong to my tribe. I'm proud of that.
So it isn't a bitter road at all, just full of pot holes. (Not marijuana holes.) Ruts in the dust that lead to the finest moments life has to offer. The world without the mentally ill would be colorless, too quiet, ordinary, lacking in magic, song, art, progress, civilization, and the expression of empathy accessible through culture.
Some people who are mentally ill are dangerous. Some of them need confinement. Maybe some of them even need death.*** Most of them are not dangerous and aren't bad people. At least not because of their mental illness.
I've had this on my mind for a couple of weeks: It is shocking to me to hear someone use my mental illness as a reason to be glad not to have me in their life, because one thing I never do (because my mental illness, though serious, gives me the luxury...) is take refuge behind my mental disabilities. If it makes me emotionally impulsive I always take responsibility for my actions and never say "I couldn't help it, I'm mentally ill." nor do I let it give me any kind of slack that other people don't give themselves. I work so hard at that. I don't think any friendship of mine has ever been truly guided and influenced by my mental illness.
I work tirelessly at it.
I also medicate myself because before I was medicated I had a much harder time keeping my moods in check. I can keep much of the darkness to myself. Which I don't choose to do on this blog but in my everyday life I do keep it much quieter.
If I didn't go around telling everyone I met that I'm mentally ill, the majority of them would never know. People used to call me "moody" and "quirky" but no one ever said they wouldn't be friends with other mentally ill people after being friends with me. The price I pay for turning the headlights on myself.
I think in the end it's worth it. For all of us.
So I lost one. Or maybe two, along the way.
But those people don't see the truth, the real picture, and the fact that they are already surrounded by mentally ill people. We are the life of the party, every single time.
So tonight, I say to all my kindred spirits- forgive me, please. Think of it as one step back and know that there are many steps forward to come. As we all talk more openly and celebrate the good when it comes to us, and the gifts, and the brilliance, others will too.
Everyone knows about our darkness, let's show them the other side at every chance we can.
Hang in there my people. There's a lot of collective brilliance in us to share.
If you need a little sliver of my spirit, I will share it with you.
Just ask.
*This is a lie. I actually tend to get along very well with most children even though I don't want more than one of my own and I don't like to be around large groups of children because large groups of children freak me out. But taken in small numbers I find it easy to develop good repore with them and to earn their trust as the adult who doesn't lie to them and who treats them like actual people as opposed to little underdeveloped ideals of the people that spawned them.
*Is this an offensive word to any particular group of people? The walls around word usage are closing in every day.
***Unfortunately the Ted Bundys of this world are also members of my tribe and these ones I'm not proud of. But they are an extreme minority.
Comments (6)
All I can say is that statement says a whole lot more about them than it does about you.
That someone decided that they preferred the polite lies of normalcy rather than having to face the self exposure of dealing with the real person standing in front of her is nothing new.. Having a label to pin those feelings on so they feel they don't have to take responsibility and probably feel they now have control over how not to feel this way in the future is probably the only vaguely novel thought.
Luckily life is rather good at disabusing all of us the that control over anything is simply an illusion at the best of times.
Kind Regards
Belinda
Posted by simply.belinda | October 10, 2009 1:52 AM
Posted on October 10, 2009 01:52
Sometimes I think what influenced me most as a child was growing up watching the Twilight Zone. From it I learned a lot about white suburban/small town culture of the 1950s which repressed so much, which enforced a conformity to flat lives, which irrationally feared anything different or unusual as alien and threatening. I learned how stifling and dangerous such fear and conformity is.
I'm glad that you can pull yourself into the third dimension and leave these flat two-dimensional creatures to their own uncomprehending world. They're out of your depth.
Posted by mss @ Words Into Bytes | October 10, 2009 2:24 PM
Posted on October 10, 2009 14:24
Jed Rasula's The American Poetry Wax Museum is not only about poetry but about the evolution of human culture into one that values consensus and obedience rather than individualism and self-direction, thereby creating a culture in which exceptions to the norm are minimally tolerated. This means a loss of shamans, sacraments, mystery, the vatic impulse. If you'd like to read this book and don't have it, I'll send you mine.
- Carol
Posted by Carol Peters | October 12, 2009 5:08 AM
Posted on October 12, 2009 05:08
Angelina-
I'm not even going to attempt to be as eloquent as you were here. I've also been through a lot of rough waters in my life and came out the other side a hell of a lot more interesting, creative and courageous than other friends who haven't lost their marbles. I wouldn't describe myself a terribly confident person, but I do have the confidence of knowing that I've been to the depths of hell and had the strength to drag myself back up...and I could do it again if I had to.
Sure, people saw me as unstable, or what have you, but I saw it as just being honest. It's a brave act to bare your soul in such a raw and vulnerable way. It's something all "visionaries, artists, poets, novelists, scientists, sports stars, musicians, daredevils, adventurists, philosophers" do. I think everyone else is just boring. It's something that I commend you for doing...and you do it well.
For someone to say such a reckless statement DOES say a hell of a lot about them. I will stop myself from listing all of those things, but just hear this, don't take it to heart, don't let it fade who you are and what you do. I think you are a pretty awesome woman.
And I like this quote:
So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?
-Hunter S. Thompson
Posted by Jen | October 12, 2009 8:40 AM
Posted on October 12, 2009 08:40
First off i misread plague as plaque and thought this was about your dental conditional not your mental condition. I find this extremely funny so thank you for the laugh.
I haven't been able to get over or figure out a way to deal with kids yet. I almost impulsively gave my 6 year old niece the finger the other day. Call me selfish, I can not find any interest in the conversations that kids have with me or with each other. I try to cleverly steer the convo in some direction and they are having none of that. I think this group will be called the 'ME' generation.
Posted by pamela | October 12, 2009 11:22 AM
Posted on October 12, 2009 11:22
I cannot believe how many comments I missed here. I'm finding them now because I'm cleaning spam off of my site.
I really appreciate what all of you have to say so much!
Belinda- you're assessment is acute I think. This person is always trying to find a way to control what she feels and experiences, worse than me! and unfortunately the things she didn't like about me aren't things she can avoid unless she avoids all humans in the future.
MSS- who says we don't learn valuable lessons from television?! And I feel all fluffed up at the thought that I'm out of anyone's league. Thank you!
Jen- I'm so sorry I missed this comment for so long. Thank you for sharing more about yourself here and for piping up- I really like that Hunter quote too.
Pamela- be real with kids. Seriously. If you flip them off then you have to do a tiny bit of damage control and inform them that they won't be allowed to do that until they're a ratty teen. Kids love it when grown ups treat them like regular people and don't get all cute and sweet on them. I mean, maybe some kids like that, but most kids LOVE it when adults are just themselves. You don't get to the real conversations I think until a kid trusts you a little to let them have an opinion. But I'm not actually arguing about your prediction that this newer generation will be the "me" generation.
Posted by angelina | December 15, 2009 3:43 PM
Posted on December 15, 2009 15:43