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November 7, 2006

Annette Funicello's Amazing Rack


I watch a lot of old movies. Old as in: pre-sixties usually. My favorite decades for films are the thirties through the fifties. Right now I'm watching the Thin Man starring the one man I'd leave Philip for if he didn't happen to be dead: William Powell. Myrna Loy, his co-star in The Thin Man, is a woman I would be in love with if I was a man or a lesbian. I wouldn't blame Philip for leaving me for her. Thank god they don't make 'em like that anymore!

I've been watching a lot of Doris Day and Cary Grant too. I have a love hate relationship with Doris. I all at once love her for her cute coif and hate her for the goody-two-shoes characters she ALWAYS plays. I love the colors, the decor, and the clothes that inevitably accompany her films. I go through periods where I can't watch her for a while because her wholesome act makes me want to smack her. Right now I'm really enjoying her.

Sometimes I like to mix things up a little, watch something I'm not sure I'll like (I hear all my close friends gasping in disbelief)...enter: Annette Funicello. I saw Muscle Beach Party at the video store on my last run and decided it was time I gave this American institution a look-see. She's teamed up with Frankie Avalon in this one, and you know the film has got to be kooky if it includes Buddy Hacket. I watched it yesterday expecting some bad humor, thin plot lines (I mean, what can one expect from a movie called "Muscle Beach Party"?), and cute clothes. I expected some really dippy love songs crooned by the singer/actor act. Boy did this film deliver the cheese! Shit, it was too campy by far. It was so over the top thin-plotted and poorly acted I almost couldn't watch it to the end.

But let's talk about Annette. Sigh. That hair is phenomenal. Seriously, it must take at least half a can of Aqua-net super hold to keep it so perky and stiff. Annette is cute as a god-damn button and I can't help but wonder what would have happened if she'd been given any roles in films with real plots? Would she have gone somewhere besides onto Frankie's surf board? And boy does that lady have a rack! Not a pornographically large melon-shaped rack, but a real va-va-voom bosom. The kind of thing no plastic surgeon could recreate. I am pretty satisfied being a small busted person, but I can't help but admire such majestic charms. I wonder if she ever felt cursed by her own figure? I don't think I can sit through another one of her films but I am completely enchanted with her.

Let's not talk about Frankie.

One more thing, did surfers ever look like the people in that movie? I am suddenly wondering what the surfer crowd was like in the late fifties. That's something I've never wondered before. We open our horizens for a reason.


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