I Am The Hippopotamus In Fantasia
The last scrap of hope that I will ever stop gaining weight has turned to acrid ash. I was very hopeful at the beginning of the year just as I have been hopeful every single year for three years in spite of the ever increasing evidence that my body is not going to listen to diet and exercise. It is not going to return to a place of comfort. It will not respond as it should. I will tell you now that my body feels like a sinking vessel. It feels like an envelope of death. It's so strange to have wanted to die so ardently when I was fifteen but to be in a body that had all the health and vitality any human being could desire. I hadn't started smoking yet. I was thin enough without being skinny. I had great skin. I didn't drink any alcohol or coffee. Yet I was as withered inside as an old woman whose friends had already died and left her alone.
Like a big tan colored walnut that opens to reveal a shriveled blackened nut hiding inside.
Here I am now, with no desire to die and so much to look forward to and achievements to be proud of and yet my body is a hideous mass of unrelenting creaks and weakness and fat and scars and illness and no matter what efforts I make I have steadily been gaining weight ever since I broke my hip. I swore I wouldn't bring that up again. How can I not? It's when my body completely stopped working. What the break didn't deteriorate the intense stress of three very traumatic years have stepped in to finish me off.
Over the years I have continually bounced back. Made resolutions...but not empty ones! There were the months of working out at home and watching my calories and I did, temporarily lose ten pounds only to gain 15 back as soon as my store closed down. And then I gained some more. Even after joining the gym and going religiously for a few months- no change. More gain. More gain. Like a runaway train. It's as though my body gave up long before I did. And each time my efforts failed to give results I got more depressed on top of the stress and depression already draped over my not particularly strong shoulders.
Like a big tan colored walnut that opens to reveal a shriveled blackened nut hiding inside.
Here I am now, with no desire to die and so much to look forward to and achievements to be proud of and yet my body is a hideous mass of unrelenting creaks and weakness and fat and scars and illness and no matter what efforts I make I have steadily been gaining weight ever since I broke my hip. I swore I wouldn't bring that up again. How can I not? It's when my body completely stopped working. What the break didn't deteriorate the intense stress of three very traumatic years have stepped in to finish me off.
Over the years I have continually bounced back. Made resolutions...but not empty ones! There were the months of working out at home and watching my calories and I did, temporarily lose ten pounds only to gain 15 back as soon as my store closed down. And then I gained some more. Even after joining the gym and going religiously for a few months- no change. More gain. More gain. Like a runaway train. It's as though my body gave up long before I did. And each time my efforts failed to give results I got more depressed on top of the stress and depression already draped over my not particularly strong shoulders.
A Long Interruption During Which I Practice The Art Of Fighting With Sticks
I can't say that anything I wrote above is untrue. I wish I could. I think my body is trying to snuff me out. In spite of that dreadful possibility I want to say that I went to Kung Fu class tonight barely holding back all my tears of frustration, anger, grief, and fear. I carried a charcoal aura above my head and didn't understand how I was going to benefit from my class.
Oh sweet carrion! How could I ask such a thing? Have I not learned yet that there is a power in this discipline to answer to the chaos in my spirit? It's undeniable that in the beginning I was a little unfocused. However, as we did our complimentary flow exercises over and over and over it became a meditation and it was all about not getting whacked in the neck by an attacker. I soon found myself in that calm place again. That calm place in which I purposely compose myself in postures of violence with grace.
Oh no, I have no real grace, that isn't the point. I am the hippopotamus in Fantasia twirling around in that ridiculously tiny tu-tu. No true grace- but who gives a shit? The grace is in my intention, in my concentration, in my discipline.
Discipline that says that I will continue coming to class every week no matter how ashamed I am of my body. I will come to class because I know it is the best thing I have done for myself all year besides finally write a god damned book.
I have thought about the expense of coming to this particular school of martial arts and asked myself if we shouldn't try to find a less expensive one seeing as we have so little money. The answer is no.
For this to work for us it has to be extraordinary. It has to be something completely original and powerful. We are not the usual suspects. We are not the expected dinner guests. We are peculiar people. We need something more than the usual to sustain us and nurture us. I have to say that the martial arts school we are going to offers so much more than I would ever have expected of an actual modern martial arts school. It's got something more due to the completely passionate (INSANE) Kung Fu Master who runs it. It's his energy that feeds the school and asks everyone to be more- to always be more than we thought we could be. We come to class and he asks us to give 110%. He's old school in many ways and progressive in others.
In every class our Sifu gives us talks about different aspects of life, awareness, spirituality, health, and becoming our best. He doesn't tell us to be Christian* (I have no idea what his actual spiritual beliefs are) he merely makes it plain that we all have something to explore below the surface, that there is MORE to all of this self defense. He talks to us about the reality of violence and he talks to us about not eating fast food and he talks about working on our mental state. He brings it all together. It's an entire round encompassing and life giving education. Especially to someone like me.
Tonight I got to meditate with sticks and with the gliding beautiful thoughtful motions of joint locking.
I don't have any hope for my body left. Is hope necessary? Hope is necessary for people to survive bad times. Hope is more important than food at certain junctures in life. But is it vital that I hope I will lose weight in order for it to happen? I have always thought hope and faith were separate beings but today I'm not so sure. I'm giving that some thought. Many things in life will happen whether or not we hope for them or not. Whether we believe they will happen or not. If you want to kill yourself, is it really necessary to hope that eating nothing for a month will kill you? If you fail to eat for a month you will die whether you hoped for that outcome or not, right?
I am going to continue going to Kung Fu. I am going to continue adding more practice to my days off. I know what my dreams look like. I know what they taste like. I am going to continue to reign in the beer and endeavor to eat healthily. I will not stop making effort to do the things that I know are healthy for me. But that doesn't mean I believe that doing them is going to transform me. Ever.
Dudes.
DUDES!
I was totally just lying about hope. I FEEL hopeless today. I feel hopeless often. I sink continually. I am 10,000 leagues under the sea but it is a lie to say I have lost all scraps of hope.
Cause I'm still bailing water.
*Triple thank God for that. Probably nothing would make me hot-foot it out of there faster than a little godly lecture.
I can't say that anything I wrote above is untrue. I wish I could. I think my body is trying to snuff me out. In spite of that dreadful possibility I want to say that I went to Kung Fu class tonight barely holding back all my tears of frustration, anger, grief, and fear. I carried a charcoal aura above my head and didn't understand how I was going to benefit from my class.
Oh sweet carrion! How could I ask such a thing? Have I not learned yet that there is a power in this discipline to answer to the chaos in my spirit? It's undeniable that in the beginning I was a little unfocused. However, as we did our complimentary flow exercises over and over and over it became a meditation and it was all about not getting whacked in the neck by an attacker. I soon found myself in that calm place again. That calm place in which I purposely compose myself in postures of violence with grace.
Oh no, I have no real grace, that isn't the point. I am the hippopotamus in Fantasia twirling around in that ridiculously tiny tu-tu. No true grace- but who gives a shit? The grace is in my intention, in my concentration, in my discipline.
Discipline that says that I will continue coming to class every week no matter how ashamed I am of my body. I will come to class because I know it is the best thing I have done for myself all year besides finally write a god damned book.
I have thought about the expense of coming to this particular school of martial arts and asked myself if we shouldn't try to find a less expensive one seeing as we have so little money. The answer is no.
For this to work for us it has to be extraordinary. It has to be something completely original and powerful. We are not the usual suspects. We are not the expected dinner guests. We are peculiar people. We need something more than the usual to sustain us and nurture us. I have to say that the martial arts school we are going to offers so much more than I would ever have expected of an actual modern martial arts school. It's got something more due to the completely passionate (INSANE) Kung Fu Master who runs it. It's his energy that feeds the school and asks everyone to be more- to always be more than we thought we could be. We come to class and he asks us to give 110%. He's old school in many ways and progressive in others.
In every class our Sifu gives us talks about different aspects of life, awareness, spirituality, health, and becoming our best. He doesn't tell us to be Christian* (I have no idea what his actual spiritual beliefs are) he merely makes it plain that we all have something to explore below the surface, that there is MORE to all of this self defense. He talks to us about the reality of violence and he talks to us about not eating fast food and he talks about working on our mental state. He brings it all together. It's an entire round encompassing and life giving education. Especially to someone like me.
Tonight I got to meditate with sticks and with the gliding beautiful thoughtful motions of joint locking.
I don't have any hope for my body left. Is hope necessary? Hope is necessary for people to survive bad times. Hope is more important than food at certain junctures in life. But is it vital that I hope I will lose weight in order for it to happen? I have always thought hope and faith were separate beings but today I'm not so sure. I'm giving that some thought. Many things in life will happen whether or not we hope for them or not. Whether we believe they will happen or not. If you want to kill yourself, is it really necessary to hope that eating nothing for a month will kill you? If you fail to eat for a month you will die whether you hoped for that outcome or not, right?
I am going to continue going to Kung Fu. I am going to continue adding more practice to my days off. I know what my dreams look like. I know what they taste like. I am going to continue to reign in the beer and endeavor to eat healthily. I will not stop making effort to do the things that I know are healthy for me. But that doesn't mean I believe that doing them is going to transform me. Ever.
Dudes.
DUDES!
I was totally just lying about hope. I FEEL hopeless today. I feel hopeless often. I sink continually. I am 10,000 leagues under the sea but it is a lie to say I have lost all scraps of hope.
Cause I'm still bailing water.
*Triple thank God for that. Probably nothing would make me hot-foot it out of there faster than a little godly lecture.
Comments (6)
What can I say.. you have my empathy.
Honestly doing it for your health regardless of the short term consequences is often better anyway.
People that help us face ourselves and ask if we are living life in the best way for us are the best ones to hold onto.
Kind Regards
Belinda
Posted by simply.belinda | November 5, 2009 4:23 PM
Posted on November 5, 2009 16:23
So it is totally worth the money as it is so for good for you and gives you so much.
Even if you feel hopeless, hope is still hiding there somewhere waiting for you, nurtured by your kung fu.
Posted by French Knots | November 6, 2009 12:02 PM
Posted on November 6, 2009 12:02
Belinda- so true! I love that I'm getting reminded to be the best I can be in all aspects of my life by my Kung Fu instructor.
Jo- you are so right about it being worth the money. Especially because it isn't just me who's been getting so much out of this particular school but Max and Philip too.
Posted by angelina | November 7, 2009 4:39 PM
Posted on November 7, 2009 16:39
Here is my day of feeling hopeless.
I had to break down today and admit I don't own one piece of clothing that fits. Well, Ok, I have one piece but I don't have a whole outfit, ie top and bottom..
I have been holding out this insane hope that I was going to manage to get control of this thing again before summer and at least be able to wear what I did last year. It seems no dice. Facing denial is never nice and right now I just want to cry over this spectacular delusion I have been forced to let go.
I managed to hold it together while buying the cheapest fabric I can find that I think I might be able to tolerate wearing cause that is all I can afford. I managed to hold it together while picking the patterns out of awesomely unflattering range in the plus size section of the pattern book even though the last time I lost this weight I swore I was never going to have to do this again. I even managed to hold it together when told that two of the three patterns, and the one I really want the one that looks like nicely shaped half decent dress, they currently don't have in my size so I am going to have to wait for them to order in.
I did ok until I had to tell my husband that I went and bought fabric today.. and he asked why. Having to admit why broke my heart into little pieces and instantly transported me into the middle of the hurt.
Unlike you I have had a weight problem for my entire adult life.. in fact there have probably only been 3 years where I have fallen within a "healthy BMI". Mostly that probably protects me because I expect to be fat.. but right now, at this minute, I hate the fact I have let things get this out of control.. yet again. That I don't seem to be able to summon the self respect to make the choices I know I need to make for more than half a day at a time. I know I am worth fighting for, some reason I just can't work out how to do it.
Kind Regards
Belinda
Posted by simply.belinda | November 9, 2009 2:28 AM
Posted on November 9, 2009 02:28
Oh Belinda! I know exactly how you feel! I have exactly two skirts that fit me. No pants, no shorts, no nothing but these two skirts I made which are already looking kind of ratty. I'm so sorry for all the hurt you're feeling and wish I could make it go away. Sadly, I'm have no magic powers. The one thing that got me through last week was not looking too far ahead of my own two feet. Take one single step at a time and just get yourself through the next minute, hour, day. That's all you can do sometimes.
Posted by angelina | November 9, 2009 8:34 AM
Posted on November 9, 2009 08:34
Yeah,
I don't expect anyone to be able to take away my hurt. I just hope for people to give me space to express it, Thank you for giving me the space.
I guess I need to start where I am..not where I want to be. I must remember to enjoy the good choices I do make for myself even if at some point in the day I self sabotage and step backwards again. Half a day is better than none of the day. Guess I will just be working up to a healthy week very slowly this time.
Good Luck
Belinda
Posted by simply.belinda | November 9, 2009 12:03 PM
Posted on November 9, 2009 12:03